dreams of the past

I have no idea why, buy i dret of DH whom i have not thought of in a long time. And it was vivid.  It got me thinking, i wouldnt mind seeing him again but i want to look better. Becausein my dream he was mighty fine lol. More later.

I'm Back!

Actually I might just scrap this and make a whole new blog. Debating. But for now this will do.

So much has gone on I won't even recap. From now I'm just going to try to go forward.

I'm reading this book on creativity and well one of the things it suggests one do is write 3 pages every morning. So in lieu of getting out pen and paper, this will be it. Morning might be hard to get to, since well I barely get up for work as it is and getting up even earlier to write this is well doing to be more difficult lol.

I'm supposed to write anything that comes to mind without worrying about anything but at this moment i'm kind of multitasking so that's not going to happen this go round lol.

i took an hour hike today. it was great. i only wish i had someone to go with. i'd bring the dog but i don't want to stop a lot and sometimes i have to because of people. she still needs a lot of socialization.

i really am worried about this wedding i'm shooting. but i'm pretty much prepared. just need to fiddle around with this flash so i don't blow people out or have blackass backgrounds.

i'm also needing to work on getting my website up and some marketing stuff. i don't know why i'm mucking about and not DOING it. it's like i'm comfortable where i am. although that's not where i want to be lol. doesn't make sense i know. i guess i am afraid of failing so i don't DO.

so for now i'll keep this short since i'm multitasking lol ttfn1

Snippets

Well, time sure flies.

Anyway, updates updates. The work situation has changed DRASTICALLY and now I am working for the Sales Manager. I got the "Watch out for buses" threat as I was leaving. The few days after the change were tense! He wouldn't look at me, he was LIVID!

Then I was wondering "why the F AM I staying at that place anyway?" But you know, I really need a job. Leaving would be like not a wise move. So things have been better. For now.

I have posted all or most of my books up online to sell at Half.com. I love that place. Some are selling and I reduce prices occasionally. I would rather get money for my books but I found Paperbackswap.com. OH I love it!! I have "shared" a half dozen books already and I just started. I don't have my full line up, as like I said I'd rather sell them, but I have had some up for close to two years at a low price and no takers. So if I can share then fine. Then I can get books too without paying full price! I don't really now anyway, but if I find myself in Barnes & Noble or Borders, I'm a sucker. But like recently, I just bought a photo book for $30. The damn thing looked used so I asked if I could get a reduced price. No. Ok fine. So I went home, looked up the ISBN on half.com, and found the same book for 75 cents! So I browsed through the book then returned it to B&N (they USED to have a 30 day return, now it's 15. Wised up!). Then I ordered the book online and I'll be damned if it didn't look a helluva lot better than from the store! And for 75 cents plus the shipping like $3.50!! BooyaH!!

Anyway, now I also do the SwapaDVD and will be doing the SwapaCD. I have mainly posted my boyfriend's DVDs up (hehe guess I should let him know, but I doubt he'll even know his movies are gone LOL). I have a hard time parting with my books. I do have a handful of DVDs I don't really want. Hell two aren't even opened LOL. And honestly I haven't watched them again. So I do need to sit down and see what I truly truly will watch. I hate to part with my boxed sets, so those are a no. But I have just about every Jean Claude van Damme movie and I will NOT part with those. :D I do have a lot of Full Moon movies. Some are just stupid, actually most are, but I'm a phreak over Charles Band's movies. Don't ask. It goes to my youth LOL. He did the Puppetmaster movies. I like the older stuff much better. I would like to get a hold of Arcade but it's hard to get. The newest ones eh, Evil Bong is funny, The Gingerdead Man meh. Trying to use actors who used to be popular or at least had a decent name of it.

Let's see, oh we were without bathroom usage while the BF dug up the field lines for the septic tank. ALL better now yay!

Still have that damned part time photo job. I need the insurance. And if I go full time here, their insurance is CRAP! I have to investigate other insurance because I do not want to work for this stupid sales company ANY MORE!

Ok, more later. I found Puppetmaster on iTunes LOL

Where to Start.........

Well. It has been a quite eventful ride.

The situation at my workplace has finally come to a head, and in a nutshell, I do not work for the power-hungry control freak any longer.

I do need to reread what I wrote to see where I left off regarding the work stuff, but anyway here goes.

I had spoken with the owner of the company a month or so back, and essentially told him how I was being treated. The belittling, the disparaging remarks, the hostile attitude, the controlling nature. The owner was very sympathetic and listened. He is very businesslike and to the point. And so was I. I was all kinds of nervous because I was afraid that by speaking up I would be let go. Companies don't want troublemakers. I have spoken up before in other jobs, and it always seemed to backfire. I may not be tactful, but I am all for communication. I am open to hearing my weaknesses. I may not like what people have to say, but if constructive, I am more than willing to try to change something. Because for the most part I know what my bad behaviors and weaknesses are. I don't like them, and I try to work on them, and I have changed some.

anyway I digress.

I wanted to post a series of events in here that led to my breaking point. But those notes are at work. So I will post them later. Essentially, I had enough. The owner has asked that I be patient, and he had spoken to my supervisor once and it got better. That week, then his old behaviors and comments and attitude slowly reverted back, until I returned from Florida last week. Then, it became intolerable. Several people, including my boyfriend, my parents, a friend or two, had told me to just "grin and bear it", "just do your job and leave". Well. I couldn't. Not any longer. I tolerated enough humiliation and NO ONE puts me on a short leash, not even my Master *wink* With my health issues and family situation, my age and financial state, I just don't need to be unhappy anymore for 9 hours a day 5 days a week.

Things to consider:

• I had to have a biopsy before I went to Florida. I am at high risk apparently for cervical cancer. Peachy
  

• I had received a letter from the Red Cross saying I cannot donate blood because of a serious problem with my blood. Dandy
  

• My father has been going to the hospital at least once a month if not more for heart concerns. Even though I have a brother who lives IN the house, I am the one called to help my parents. Which is fine, don't get me wrong, but understand, my brother is the youngest and is not responsible for anything. I am the oldest.
  

• My mother has not been able to walk since the fall of last year (she has been improving but basically she has been forced to retire)

• My grandmother is moving, and at 86 I suppose dementia is inevitable. She should go into at least independent living but refuses. I'm just so worried because she couldn't remember which new apartment was hers, and whether she locked the door or not.

• My cousin is basically living on life support (he has Lou Gehrig's)

So when I get back to work, basically I am told I need to follow his orders, "do as I am told" because I don't get the job done right and on time because I don't do it "his way". So essentially I humored him and sat there Tues morning and let him show me how to do my job step by step: from 'how' to highlight, to how to sort in numerical order, to how to fax (literally, he said "just take a few sheets of paper, like this, and fan them out just a little like this"). Some days I get between 200 and 300 orders and that amount of paper to fax over. It takes from 45 minutes to over an hour to fax over, I check the reports. I told him standing at the fax machine for an hour is a waste of my time. He said and I quote "I PAY YOU TO STAND HERE AND FAX".

OKAY I said. "I will do it your way from NOW ON. EXACTLY AS YOU HAVE DESCRIBED. TO THE L-E-T-T-E-R"

You see, the orders have to get done before 11am our time so they can invoice (I usually invoice but because of the tripled workload, it's not humanly possible). So. The rest of that day I let him tell me what to do, how long it would take me to do it and let him know when I was done so he could assign me the next duty. I was as disrespectful to him as he was to me. I am not like that in the workplace, but like I said, I had it. I told him I can't guarantee I could get each job done in the time frame he gave me (now, he has not done any of my duties so I am not sure how he knew how long it would take me to do it, but whatEVER).

And the next day, which happened to be the busiest day of the week, I performed my duties exactly as he described to the letter.

The orders did not get there before 11am.

The Senior Ops Manager called and asked if there were orders today. I said there were plenty, but I wasn't finished working on them. She asked why. And I told her. She said things would be taken care of that day.

You see, she and I had discussed the best way to work on the orders to get them there in time. We worked out a system and were starting to implement it, but the asshole found out and didn't like it and basically said that I work for him and only him and I need to do what HE says and no one else. He didn't care what anyone else told me to do. DID I UNDERSTAND?>?>

I looked him right in the eye and said I understood.

So, later that day, there were conference calls. When I came back from lunch, his face was so red, I thought it was going to explode. No. Not just his face, his entire head.

So now, I don't work for him anymore. I work for the sales manager now. When I listed out my job duties, I was told that basically I was doing his job. I was told to send it to the owner and ask him what he did since I was doing his job. I didn't get the chance because then things got taken care of.

You see, I did research. The woman before me, was going to file sexual harrassment charges. I am not attractive, so I don't have to worry about sexual harrasment, but essentially the environment was and is to a point still very hostile, in regards to him and his behavior toward me and the warehouse workers. You just have to hear how he talks to them (and me). Anyone who is hourly apparently is beneath him. Anyway, that woman was not there more than a few months. She never filed the charges because her husband told her to quit. Why I don't know, I heard he worked in HR for a big company or something. And the women before her, all of them, left because of him. They were not there very long either. They have not been able to keep anyone there for longer than several months at a time. The guy who was there before me and after the sexual=harrassment woman lasted almost a year, but I realize why: he did EVERYTHING EXACTLY the way he was told, because that is how I was told to do it and that's how he taught me, but as soon as I learn a job, I tailor it to my needs so that I can get it done more effectively.

Since the workload has tripled, I have asked for help and never get it from him. My other manager has to help and it's a chore to ask either of them to help. You see I'm the only one doing the work for this office. THere are 4 people over on the west coast. Our office consists of two managers and an assistant. I'm getting the work done, but at my expense.

Anyway, this week has been tense to say the least. He does not speak to me now unless he needs to, responds to my questions tersely, finally doesn't put any of my personal items (which are few) in a drawer and off the desk as if I don't work there. He won't look me in the eye. And the last thing he said to me on my way out the door was "Watch out for the buses".\

Now, this job isn't worth it. But I chose to stay because well, I watch the news. Every day there are layoffs layoffs layoffs. Granted, they don't show the people who do find jobs. But I have been looking, granted not as hard now that I have been working temporary, but even a friend of mine, a bookkeeper, has been having a real tough time getting an interview. I know I have a choice, but I chose the lesser of two evils. I figure, if I can just be patient like the owner had requested of me, and make money, I could get through it. I did, but now the tension is there just different. I have not changed my demeanor. I am still cordial and professional and speak to him. I don't chit chat since he walked away the first time I was started to make small talk. That's ok. He is livid! But when my current manager leaves, he makes his move. One sentence, each day, the last one about the buses. I know exactly what he meant.

No one should have to be treated like this. Maybe I am an idiot for tolerating it for so long. I asked and pondered and meditated on what I was supposed to do here. I hope I did the right thing.

Tactfulness

Which I admit I lack.

Well I need to find a way to say what I need to say in a professional manner.

The president of the company I am temporarily working for is coming into town next week.

I told boss #1 I would have no problem speaking up about the problems I have been experiencing here, but I'm not very good at this sort of thing. Usually just backfires on me.

Oh well.

I'm Doomed

I ordered a new computer.

For my photography it was necessary. Mine is over 4 years old. Yea doesn't sound that old but like an animal's age, it's ancient in the technology world.

It was under $1k and I have a plan on paying it off in 3 months before the 90-day kicks in.

I'm excited. It was that or a new camera, but I figure the one I have is doing just fine. I would like better glass, but until I get more business for that, this one does just fine. I'm learning to curb my desire for "things".

I am going through clothes I don't wear, like and guilted into keeping, or just don't fit.

My books. I really don't need them. 1/3 of them I haven't even read! So up for sale they go. I gave away all the children's books I had to a friend. I know her kids will read them. The ones I haven't read, well I am going to read them lol. The others, up for sale or give away. I can't tell you if I have even read any of the books I HAVE read more than once. I really don't think I have.

I am torn though, because I really do love the Tom Clancy NetForce series, Laurell K Hamilton's Anita Blake series, and Kim Harrison's Rachel Morgan series. I also have a few of Evanovich's books, one is autographed. But I know I won't read them again.

Letting go is so hard to do.............

Into the Unknown

Thanks all for the happy New Years! It's been a stressful end of the year for me, but just know I will stop by with wishes myself!!

I don't know what I"m doing. It's a struggle and quite frankly I have kind of stopped. I need to take a moment and I can't seem to. Everything just keeps going and going, even though I want to stop. Well. I need to force myself to stop a moment or I'll crash. I'm already burning haha! So hopefully by this weekend I will have stopped to take assessment. Of everything basically. I feel like I lost myself and well I need to find me again! How about you?

Other than that, in a nutshell the Christmas family stuff was exactly enjoyable for once in a very very long time. You see, my mother is a drunk. So every holiday has been less than pleasant. I guess that would be my "normal." Anyway, since she has not been able to walk due to loss of the feeling in one of her legs, she can't go out and buy beer. Hence, she is remaining sober. Which I really thought was impossible. Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit! So this year we had a pleasant holiday. I didnt' know what to do with myself. But I"m glad.

My niece is getting into some trouble. She is 12 yet is hanging out with a 15 year old girl. Needless to say, we had to delete her myspace account (kids are so inappropriate!), her chat accounts and some other kind of chat/tag thing. It is out of control!! The photographs these children and I say children because they are not teenagers yet they put up are so provocative! Where the F are the parents?? Oh wait, THEY have their OWN pages!!! INSANE! I am no prude but come on. And I know the hormones are raging (seriously, I can't remember that my hormones were raging at 12), but the comments these little boys make. *shakes head* I know I got into my share of trouble, but shit, I was 15 or 16! She is failing math and her other subjects are waning as well. We think it's a combination of the problems with her sperm donor oh I mean father and wanting to socialize at school instead of concentrate on school. I know, who wants to do school work at school or home right? I ran across all of my report cards and some were not very up to par (I got an F in English one semester, I thought it was Math but apparently not). I tried to help her with her math by buying her some tutoring CDs. I can't make her do them from where I live, and I guess she cannot do them on her own, since she hasn't been doing them. Her mom is supposed to help, but well, that apparently isnt happening. I don't know what else I can do from 4 hours away. Needless to say that was a bust.

Oh well, until next time. As nothing else eventful has popped up that would warrant a shot on the blog. I mean there are tons of things, but it's pretty boring.

Briefly

I'm not feeling the holiday spirit. I'm sad to report I've been depressed of late. Oh most of it is financial, and a part of me just wants to lie down and not wake up again.

The stuff at work is just ridiculous but I don't feel that opting out of this position is a very wise choice in the scheme of the economy. Granted, they still have to offer me the position full time, and I have found out that any woman before me has quit because of the one manager. The only reason they had to get rid of the previous GUY was because he did the basics and nothing else. And apparently he didn't do the basics all that well. He also barely spoke to anyone in the office. So, if I make it until my hours at the temp agency are fulfilled, I will speak about a few issues that I think need to be addressed, ask for more money, and see what happens. I won't quit.

I had a blowout with the boyfriend. Basically it was my own blowout, since things have piled up and I just exploded. My credit card company is asking for twice as much money for the minimum payment, my school loans I simply cannot pay unless I want to live in the truck and not eat. THose people fucking piss me off. I told them I can't pay, they need to send me the paperwork to defer it, then they have the audacity to ask me if I wanted to buy Geico Insurance. I chewed that foreign customer service asshole a new one and hung up. I'm about ready to go into default and to be honest I don't care. The one loan I can pay. It's manageable. But Sallie Mae is ridiculous. I'd file it to bankruptcy, which I am really trying to avoid with my credit card, if school loans could be included and they are not. I mean I don't want to simply not pay, but I can't pay the equivalent of a rent or mortgage payment. THey are idiots. I could have my credit ruined. I mean, I don't plan on ever owning anything of value. *shrug*

I know this is totally opposite of the previous paragraphs, but if you are reading this, I truly hope you all will have a wonderful holiday........

Spot On

Oh I don't know what kind of titles to make........lol

Anyhoo, went to see Australia and Quantum of Solace last night (yea kinda got a twofer lol, been along time since I snuck into another theater....). Glad didn't pay for Quantum. I guess I'm still into the old days. How I don't know since they were before my time, but I just haven't liked many of the recent Bond films. What I found quite amusing *SPOILER* was one scene in there that resembled one in Goldfinger. Only she was doused in oil instead of gold paint. Funny I thought.

Australia though was amazing. There are very few movies that I really call outstanding, from my own personal tastes. Cool Hand Luke I simply love. Granted I'm a big Jean Claude Van Damme fan, and I love his movies, but that's purely physical LOL. I am talking about loving a movie based on the direction and plot and photography and acting. HIS movies really only fill my eye candy requirement. Although Hugh Jackman is my #2 eye candy man I decided last night. I even saw that what movie was he in, with Natalie Portman I think (quick IMDB search). The Fountain yea that's it. That kinda sucked, but he is a hottie. *fans self*

Maybe I'm also partial because I visited that continent. There really is a pull to the land and I have been itching to go back there. But the film was well done. The photography was just awesome. I cried a couple of times and I don't think it's hormonal lol. Knowing only a little bit of the indigenous Australian culture, I just found it breathtaking, the acting not just of the 'big actors' but everyone. My favorite scene was with the boy and the stampede. On the edge of my seat. I tell ya. If a movie moves me, it's fantastic in my book. This one did.

I do need to fiddle with the photos some more. Because I didn't have very good shooting days I just haven't wanted to deal with them. I do have some portraits I need to upload. Nothing fancy. But some are just so cute! It's been a chore lately to do anything related to photography and I blame that on my part time job. It really has sucked the joy I've had for taking photographs. I no longer want to even deal with the hospital and set up times for photos or take them. The job is a sales job. That's it. Oh they can butter it up by saying "we'll be certified" (means nothing really) and "be able to take family photos" but basically they don't care about the photo (otherwise they'd pay us more and not want us to photograph in 30 minutes or less, sure it's easy when the baby is asleep lol).

So I wrote a nice long note stating similar facts above to my immediate supervisor. Because I have to take off from my full time job to "train", yea, train me, I know WTF I'm doing, but anyway, I was pissed. First of all, why the FUCK are they training in December? HELLO?? Or is it just me? Why would you train near a holiday? Must be just me. Wait til the New Year.

Anyway I don't want to raise my blood pressure so I will sign off for now.

Hello

I've weathered the full moon madness. And hopefully things are right with the world. There's been a stir at work, but I am keeping my wits about me. Letting go of anxiety and worry and well just everything is the hardest task for me to do. But I've been having private talks. Not out loud. Well I do if I'm alone. So hopefully someone is hearing me. Because I simply need to let go and stop worrying about things beyond my control. And there are a lot of them.

Anyhoo, down here in the South it's been getting simply too cold. Seriously. In the 20s? Teens?? That shiitake is for you Northerners! Moving to say, Australia, or Hawaii, or anywhere you know, along the equator, is crossing my mind more and more frequently. Just a matter of money. Isn't it always.

Well, I've got my list of photos from a friend whose family I photographed recently. I am happy with half, the other half *shrug*. I don't have the right equipment. I'm working on that. Ever so slowly. I don't want the latest and greatest equipment (hell Canon has come out with the 40D and now the 50D and the 5D Mark II and I still want the 5D!). I go here to read the previews and reviews. Very helpful. But I don't need the latest and greatest. I can't afford the pro camera gear, and I very well don't need it (I THOUGHT I did), but since I don't have a studio and won't for quite a while, and don't make over half my living photographing, and the fact that I'm well, poor, I will wait on my 5D. It still works wonders. I can use any lens. But my camera right now is doing fine. I can't use ALL lenses, hence I do need to upgrade, but it works quite well. I do need a good flash unit though. THat's my first priority. Then some lenses. Unless I am able to get the camera. Either one. But I do want to invest in some good glass, at least one wide angle which I don't have and a better zoom. Unfortunately the one I have for the film cameras (remember those??) doesn't work on the 10D. So an upgrade is in order. Until I find that my camera stops working, I will just get accessories for now. I mean, if it ain't broke right?

Also working on business cards. These are just taking forever and I need to at least get SOME out there. I have a problem. I simply cannot decide on the photograph. I simply cannot narrow down all the photographs I have taken to put just ONE on a card. I love variety. And having just one photo, is so restrictive. I"m coming up with an idea to get a few on my card without looking so cluttered. I see some cards that just look too busy. Then I see photographers cards that don't even have a photo on it at all. Um....yea.

I did make some mini cards from moo.com. I love them!! THey are already gone!! But they are not business card size, they are like gift-tag size. BUT the best thing is I can use one photograph for each one if I wanted. Which plays to my variety a lot! Down side the price. THey do have business cards, but for mine I want glossy and they don't have that. Well I'll have to see. But I do need more business cards.

Let's see what else is going on..........my niece was caught wearing thong panties (she's 12). She did make the volleyball team (yay!). She is failing math (boo!). She realizes how selfish her daddy is (boo-hiss!). This one is sad because, well, she wants to see her daddy and he blames her, his daughter, an 11 year old at the time, he blames HER for HIS losing of the custody case. He always said that at 11 she could decide if she wanted to live with her daddy on her own. But basically they forced her to say she wanted to move and live with her daddy, and in court she said that, that she really didn't want to move and leave her mother, and he lost. So he has blamed her ever since. Last Christmas, no lie, he sends her a card saying that the money he lost on paying for lawyers to take her mom back to court was her Christmas present. Now tell me what kind of father says these things to HIS OWN CHILD?> I don't get it.

Thinking about that man makes my stomach rumble.

So........i'm off for now
1

Full Moon Madness

and i mean madness........

i just hope my madness didn't cost me this job. i had a breakdown. granted this job isn't that stressful but when things triple in scope that one has to do (and i mean one as in only one person doing it all and that's me compared to three girls or four out on the west coast) and with everyone wanted everything at the same time, it's got insane. and i broke. maybe in my old age i'm getting weaker. i don't know. but i told them that i was drowning and couldn't do it all. to boot i was making mistakes with our biggest buyer. that's always nice. and i wasn't receiving help. and to boot, the 3 girls sit side by side yet two or three would call me at the SAME time asking about the SAME thing! i found out that none of them talk to each other!! um HELLO??!

until the bigger boss came in. i try not to complain without offering solutions but i didn't have one for this mess other than i needed SOMEone to help me.

now i'm paranoid that my mistakes and breakdown will have cost me this temp-to-perm job.

now when i first interviewed with these guys, they kept saying the guy i was replacing was "just a tool" and "an idiot" as well as similar things about the women in the main office. now i SAY i dont' care what people think of me, but now i wonder if they are saying the same things about me. for one, i'm no idiot. i may do idiotic things but i certainly am not an idiot. i mean they were really harsh about the guy i replaced. i'm telling you the interview was so totally not what i expect out of an interview. the guy interviewing me had been surfing for beach blonde babes, his emails are explicit (it's not that i TRY to look but when i walk in the office and glance at the screen it just happens my brain processes sentences in one shot LOL).

sometimes i use my brain. and maybe that's not want they want here. but i do question things, especially if i think they are wrong or are a waste of time.

i'm a perfectionist and regardless of the fact that some of the mistakes were not even my fault, i feel awful for even having done them. i may be lazy, a procrastinator, among other things, but in my work i am extremely efficient and detail oriented, apparently sometimes to a fault, but i hate things going out of a professional office with any type of error or problem. and that's what had helped fuel the break. i mean it wasn't a screaming banshee type break, but i did manage to cry on the phone and went to the bathroom to compose myself. but you could tell i had been crying. and i hate crying in front of ANYone (yea that's a whole other story, for me it's a sign of weakness and i try to portray strength even though i may not be).

now they do keep referencing my future here, as in "well come December or January you can change this or this will happen and it will change" etc. that SOUNDS good but with my issues the past two weeks i just wonder what WILL happen. i guess i could flat out ask.

i just do not want to have to go back out into that market and look for another job at this time. i do like it here.

i've since composed myself and things are easier, but i felt a tension in the air yesterday and somewhat today. and i don't know if that's just me. or if i should just let it go. you know that was yesterday. day before. etc.

maybe i need some medication.

i just know that a bookkeeper friend of mine is having a hard time getting any one to call her back let alone interviews. this job is 3 miles down the road. the pay isn't the greatest but it's close and it's somewhat of a gravy job. basically at the interview i was told " a monkey could do it". and essentially i guess that COULD be true, but i think they would need more training LOL.

oh well. more later.