Addictions

man guess no one wants a whip-lashing, hehe.

i'm in a funk so if ya don't wanna get all down, stop reading. well not too down, just that things are bugging me, and taking its toll. you see, a family member of mine is a drunk, undiagnosed of course cept by me, and well i'm right. i guess what got me on this was that show on A&E i think it is, Intervention. kinda neat. but people have to come together to do it. and well when people are freakin blind, what's the point? my sister wanted to do one, but then ya gotta spill all your business to some therapist, which i have before so i don't care, but my parents are old school. father thinks all doctors are *quacks*. it's funny cause his sister is a psychoanalyst. my grandmother thinks the same way my father does, and my uncle........hmmm who knows what he thinks. my sister and i also thought about tellin the whole family but what would that do? nada. so i deal with it best i can-----stay out of the house as much as i can.

but then i realize, ya know, i got my own addictions. cause addictions are compulsive, i really didn't consider myself one. well doesn't have to be a drug. i saw one show where this 20 something was addicted to video games. i can see that. once i play one i don't want to stop. a woman was addicted to food. ew i couldn't make myself throw up. and i wouldn't take laxatives like that. i do a detox, or take Tonalin (man that works good LOL) but it's all natural. and i don't use that stuff every day. but those are not my addictions. i guess the tv is. ew right? that and the computer sometimes i don't have to watch it, really. but once i turn it on.....i'm gone.......it's like my body is in a euphoric state, i can't move......i channel surf during commercials cause they kinda interrupt my euphoric state. kinda like the phone ringing during sex. although I don't get the fucking phone but noooooooo HE does, cause he can't stand it ringing. i can let a phone ring all day hahaha! anyway, i guess the tv isn't as bad as some, like crack or meth, alcohol, porn and sex although i'm sure some people think that's a good thing. so i'm alright if i get in the house and i don 't turn on the tv. but then i realize i actually have to get crap done, that i don't wanna. lazy? perhaps. but the atmosphere of this house isn't conducive to action. i know a lot of people don't have family or half are gone, but what about when the family isn't supportive, but all alive? not sayin i want my family to fork over money or whatever, but other stuff. not gonna explain, too involved i guess.

i've sought support and just damn appreciation from my family for a long time and i just stopped. i mean why bother? when i wasn't living in the house, did they call? no. they don't call my sister EVER. well ok unless my dad wants her to pay up on a loan he *helped* her with through her divorce and child custody crap. no chitchat. no how ya doin. just *where's my money*. when i was out on my own, i'd get a call if somethin was wrong. that's what my sister and i laugh about. when the old man calls first thing we say is "what's wrong or what happened". nice huh? that's why when i call my niece i ask about HER. her father doesn't. her father talks about HIS house, HIS job HIS life. NEVER about HER school, HER friends, HER activities. disgusting.

so, i guess with all the addictions one could have, tv/computer isn't so bad. now in the summer i won't be on either so much cause well there won't be anything on, and i like to be out. soooo nice out there. the quietness, if you get away far enough, the animals (saw a turkey and a few snakes yesterday). i hope none of this will be gone before i go, cause that will be sad. it's my escape from ignorance and such. if my sister didn't have a tv i'd live, i went without one in utah. now the computer, another story hehe. well i'd LIVE, but that would have some withdrawal symptoms lol.

time for more coffee, there ya go, another natural laxative haha