I had a good title and forgot the damn thing

ah well, such is life. ya know, i seem to be having technical difficulties, along with my emotional ones hahahah! in the past this post used to be smaller, but it seems to be bigger. WTF did i do wrong? anyhoo i KNOW i can change the font in here, but just seemed like the entire blog was a little smaller, so that it fit nicely on the page and didn't seem to drag on like some say i do hehe.

just cruisin through life, although there seem to be too many damn speed bumps and potholes. of course most are my own making. *heavy sigh* i'm not a buddhist or taoist, or wiccan or pagan, but i am highly interested in the beliefs. so trying to *live in the moment* is the hardest thing i've been working on. why? cause i just think too damn much. you'd think i could pull the blonde card, but that just doesn't work with me. i asked my sister to come up with 3 adjectives for me. actually i'm asking anyone who knows me (or i will here shortly). so if you do know me, met me, whatever, do ya mind thinkin on it? i know most of you barely know me, but if ya could that'd be like great. i'm working on something here....anyway she said i was

A. moody/cynical (couldn't have said it better)
B. generous i think, damn her email is at work
C. adventurous

Well on the adventurous, i'd say i'd like to be more adventurous. i think her and i have different ideas of what that means. for instance. i do most everything alone, or i can, such as eat in a restaurant, hike, fly, although i do go to clubs alone i despise it, not because i don't like going, but just because of the target i seem to have no matter how much i check in the mirror for it where the dorks and sleazes can just hit on me at bars/clubs/pubs/etc. so perhaps that's where my lil sis thinks i'm adventurous. plus going to utah alone meeting people i don't know, sleeping under the stars and learning how to go back to the basics. on my end, i have several things i want to do, including but certainly not limited to: bungee jumping, sky diving, going on a safari/outdoor expedition by myself (of course to meet a group), getting lost in the desert/mountains/outback and finding my own way out (yea i really wanna do that), skiing, hunting, race car driving, working for National Geographic, among others....and to me that's adventurous. and of course i haven't done much of those things yet. just thoughts i'm swirling around in my head, hoping for the damn fundage for it. i was hoping for a safari this year but due to unforeseen layoff, i was forced to horde all my pennies. but now i'm working, i need to still horde my pennies and nickels for my future planned layoff for when i attend art school full time. (SCAD)

oh and she also called me a BIOTCH but that's 4 so i dont' count that haha! actually, i admit i am, so anyone who calls me such names is not offending me.

anyhoodles....you'd think someone as conservative-minded as i (no i'm not rightwinger, but in a lot of ways and beliefs i'm conservative, but i am also open-minded, just more business-minded as well) i would go into accounting or be a scientist rather than an artist. *shrugs* but photography is a science to a point as well as an art. granted, some say, and i've said this, that anyone can take a picture, which is almost true, but not just anyone can be a photographer....

hmm i had a point here somewhere. then again this is how i think....fragmented! LOL

oh, well anyway, i think i'm having a crisis. or a moment, or a crisis-moment. i don't know. i'm not having a midlife crisis *am i?*, but i just want to do things that i really think i should have done in my 20s (that's cause of my conservative non-riskingtaking and responsible traits). not that i'm thinkin cause i'm getting older i want to do these things. it has nothing to do with age, at least not consciously. i have not too many problems with it other than to lose that truck in front of me that has the flashing lights and flags that says *wide load* when i feel like one. i guess i'm looking more inward than outward. i just can't stand the attraction with wealth (perhaps cause i don't have it), material things, and the *who's got the better most expensive thing* mentality. because when i die, which could be tomorrow, or right now after i sign off, what are all my expensive things going to do for me then? granted i want to enjoy what i have now, but *those things* are not what i want to enjoy. i want to enjoy being with others who want to enjoy their lives as well, and my company, and experiencing life. i guess i'm feeling this way because i feel like i'm going to be starting over again. i have half a mind to just clean the slate completely clean, leave everything behind. but i am not. i don't wear a lot of jewelry so the jewelry that i have been *hanging on to because one day i'll wear it* i'm getting rid of. it isn't much. some is from my first boyfriend *horrors i know*. but because they are real pearls i felt like i was going to spite him and sell them, which i never did LOL. i just might now on ebay.

ah well i guess i'll go on that note.....