Images of ourselves

i wrote this last month prior to Flo's visit, and it is usually what i dwell on during that time. i am not sure why, probably because of the changes and the awful way i feel physically those few days prior. so happens i feel like a fat cow (mooooo) again so i figure i will post what i've written. i know that a lot of women and even some men think about their body image. at least in america. it's funny what people in other countries DON"T worry about. makes me wonder how most of americans got this way. must come with the higher life styles we are so accustomed to here....

Where does our concept of how we SHOULD look come from? This body image issue must be a woman thing cause I don’t hear too many guys complainin about theirs. BUt i know a few who have issues with it. Well let me say I’m not sure where mine comes from. I mean, I wasn’t born with this concept that I should be a certain way, least I don’t think. I do not ever recall my family ever saying anything horrible or degrading about the way I look. Or any compliment for that matter. I don’t recall caring about my body when I was under 10. Perhaps it was in middle school. I was horribly teased as a teen. I had horrible nicknames. As much as I hate to admit it, that shit hurt. It truly did. I still carry a bag or two to this day of that shit. How do you get rid of it? I tried leaving it at the airport but they keep calling to say I have a bag there. Or they just send it back at the most inopportune time. It still impacts me no matter how hard I try not to let it. I won’t be assertive with men. Certainly not aggressive. I shy away unless I’m approached. That’s just me. I accept it. Sometimes it’s tough seeing as I’d like to just “go for it” but I don’t. I scream inside to myself but she doesn’t listen LOL. Too much pain in there somewhere. O it’s not hardly as bad as it was so long ago. I’ve learned to accept certain parts of my body that I desperately hated. I was never anorexic/bulimic. I was never overweight. But I suppose what i heard from friends and stupid school kids really made an impact on me. I was a gangly girl, and puberty was not nice to me. My sister has all the looks. She did when puberty struck too. I was in the Napolean Dynamite crowd (although I did NOT act that way LOL). So I worked on my personality. I’m not saying I have a great personality but I don’t rely on my looks to get me anywhere. Granted I’m still not obese or overweight but I’m still on certain days just not happy with my body. Would be so nice not to suffer anymore ya know? What is it in Buddhism that says suffering is such and such? I gotta look that up again. Attachments it says leads to suffering. Something else tho. Society doesn’t help with my image. Granted I do not want to be a waif, but I have this ideal of what I want my body to be like, just not working on it very much to get there. So I suppose I don’t want it as bad as I think I do? I don’t want to look good for anyone else besides me. Took me a long time to realize that too. I always wanted to look good for someone else. Or look like someone else. I don’t know when I came to the realization that it was pointless. No one really cares. And if any of the men I’ve been involved with all my life didn’t care they wouldn’t have gotten involved. So they musta liked something. Maybe it’s this 30ish thing. Although my pattern of thinking changed in my late 20s, I think I’m older than my age. Not that I want to push growing older, but I’ve always acted older I guess. I’m just looking for peace, with myself. I haven’t completely accepted myself. How I even started worrying about it still boggles my mind but it’s getting old. It’s unfortunate that most of the world looks superficially at things. Hell I even find myself doing it sometimes. But I will find balance, hopefully before I hit my grave. I am a Libra so balance is what I’ve always been seeking LOL. I’ve outgrown this sort of thinking. It gets old. Just like I’ve outgrown friends, jobs, men. I think it’s much harder to “fix” your mind than it is your body……