This too shall pass....

i'm just gonna warn ya now i'm still in a fit this week, so i'm gonna be venting. and it's girlie venting so consider yourself WARNED!!!!

First i'd like to say, has anyone ever had a similar experience as the following? I jog/walk, i do intervals i can't run all out for a long time. do ya ever experience when ur ass is still joggin when ya stop? LOL mine does. i go from jog to walk and my ass is still joggin. seriously. guess i got too much ass. sigh.

Well I suppose now is the real visit from Flo. It’s quite irritating, so I’m not sure if something else is wrong since her visit is beyond normal visiting parameters! Ya know I was ok with turning 30. It seems this 35 business is the pits though. Yes I know the body changes. But this is crappy. I suppose I’m not trying my hardest to keep it in top shape, as I’ve grown flabby around the middle and not where I said I wanted to be fitness-wise. I’ve gotten cysts in my kidney that of course were never there before and now are causing problems. My innards (hehe yea so southern eh? LOL) are more sensitive now. I used to love eating cooked carrots, peppers, mushrooms. Now my body can’t tolerate those. O I like the peppers still, but my digestive system doesn’t anymore. I’d like to get the laser surgery for my eyes, and was actually going to before I got laid off last year. My eyes get gooped up more, dry out more. Luckily nothing else is drying out YET LOL. If I could have one of a zillion wishes, it would be for men to experience a woman’s body for a day. To bleed out, to give birth, hmmm anything else? O to give a blow job and swallow, but I guess some men know how to do that already LOL. I’d say menopause too but I haven’t been through that but I’ll include that here. If they went through all of the above in a 24 hour and lived through it, I wonder how much they’d complain about us then. O I wouldn’t mind doing the same, being a man for a day. I kinda want to know what it’s like to have that thing swingin between my legs and getting a woody at the slightest sexual thought. Eating out a woman? I may have already wink, for me to know hehe. Hmmm anything else I wanna experience as a man? They don’t have as many issues as we do do they? Besides hollerin from the couch with a remote control in my hand, with my feet up, “get me a beer will ya and bring it to me naked ”. Hmm can’t think of anything else I’d wanna do as a man. Well maybe screw anything within reason. Nah. LOL

Of course those ailments I have really aren’t anything are they in the big scheme of things I know. Really I do. So I won’t go on cause I do have a few more (tendonitis of the elbow from wielding my sword, cavitiesmy own damn fault I know etc etc) LOL. You see my cousin has ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis) or Lou Geghrig’s Disease and it’s terminal. I went to visit him when I got laid off because they aren’t sure how long he has left. They are surprised he made it through the summer. I’ve been reading up on it, and now am re-reading Tuesday With Morrie, by Mitch Albom. I’m not on a death kick, but I think I need to put things in perspective and I haven’t. I’ve become so self-absorbed it’s almost nauseating. M (my cousin) was a high functioning individual, active, good career, lots of friends, etc. When he got sick he accepted it. I don’t know if I could. I just don’t have that kind of high functioning personality sad to say. But I guess I can’t really know right? I think his first problem was falling down. It would happen more frequently. Last time was when he went to Disney and just collapsed and really couldn’t get back up. So he began his wheelchair residency. He didn’t want a breathing tube when it came down to it he had said before he got really bad. Well, the day came when he had trouble breathing. He changed his mind. From what I gather the disease starts from the bottom and goes up. He lost the control of his legs and feet. Then his arms on up? I’m not exactly sure. I’ve read some about it and anything I relate about him has been second hand. But he can’t breathe without the use of the tube, his wheelchair is specially equipped so that he can use his feet and hands, but that use is extremely limited. His wife couldn’t handle it apparently and left him, he moved from Chicago to Florida and bought a home worth 7 digits and had it custom designed for his needs. From other accounts I’ve read, the process of debilitation is practically identical. All this happening at an age close to mine. I’m not sure if he’s a tad bit older or younger than 35. Time is limited for him and he is ok with it. His main goal is to visit all of the great golf courses I think nationwide. He has photos up on a wall in his house of such visits and it’s great. O I know he has his bad days. But I guess my bad days will never ever amount to one of his. Again not knowing the position he’s in, I am not sure I’m strong enough to deal with a hand like that, but I don’t know. I hope I would be. He’s got so many friends and family who visit that he’s never alone. I wanted to ask him some things but I didn’t because I felt like I would be prying. He’s proactive still with his college, I think they have some kind of fund set up for college students there. I am going to attempt a 5k for this disease in the near future, which means I need to get my ass in gear haha! My body is tired though for some reason this past week or so and I’m trying to let it rest yet I don’t want to be loafing around. I do not know him well as he lived out in Indiana and I only remember going there on occasion and there were so many kids around. It was hard to discern his words but after a while I got used to it. He’s a very intelligent man and even in his present state he’s hilarious. I wish I knew him better.

I figured I needed to read the book again. I did see the movie and cried and cried. So since I’m feelin all sensitive-like, I won’t watch it. I guess I’m just having emotional overload. Being physically unwell always leaves me emotionally drained. Hate it. Current anxieties: finish my packing which I’m so unmotivated to do, sell my snakes, deal with the leaving of my family because even though I’m not responsible for the dysfunction I feel I’m responsible for taking care of them. More so when I had to move back in with them and the realization of the depth of the problem became apparent; income; my own health and the lack of insurance; the debt I’ve accumulated; moving in with my sister. Hmmm think that about covers it! So I’ve been withdrawing from the world around me and hoping these things will pass. This too shall pass……