Homeless?

yes thank you all for your concern. i realize i worry too much, but there are reasons. like the fact that i can't control other peoples' actions. and i realize that i could have things far worse off. i just hope they don't go down that trail. in the matter of 24-36 hours, the BF's (not mine) ex tries to ruin my sister's job prospects, turns the BF against her, and now the roof over our heads may be no more. so i wonder if i should just let go, meet some people, not worry about where i am about to live. ah sounds so easy.

i do not like to rely on others, because i (and i realize this sounds cynical pessimistic whatever you'd like to call it) don't believe i can count on others. when it comes to my life and surviving, i really haven't, EXCEPT maybe my folks and that comes with a lifetime of hearing shit (my best friend will know what this means, because her family does the same to her when they are *obligated* to help).

listening to the situations with my sister and her ex and her BF's ex, i am really glad i do not have one. am i glad i'm not married? eh probably, it would be nice but yes that pessimistic side of me says "well i wouldn't have to worry about an ex". granted it may work out, but hell look at the statistics, look at your own relationship. most people i know, are not happy with who they are with, have cheated on their spouse or common-law spouse or bf/gf. it's funny when others say things are just great. i don't go by what anyone *says*. it's all in the actions, and behaviour. both my sister's and her BF's ex's are trying to sabotouge their lives. and this they are doing *for their childrens' own good*. let me tell you as an observer, only one person i've come in contact with has ever done anything for the good of their child/ren. it really is sad, using children as pawns.

i'm ok with my life thus far, gratned i wish some things were different but i know that cannot change. what i'm not ok with, is the fact that i have to rely on someone else to decide whether i'm getting kicked out on the street, relying on someone else to live off of. i guess i should have gone with my instinct and just got more loan money to live off of and get my own place as hard as that would be. now.....i'm in a dilemma. well perhaps not really. it's just that my entire life is in boxes and i don't know where to put them. i hate to rely on my friends or my ex who've offered but i've run out of options.

i do hope all this pays off in the end. granted i know i could have things a lot worse and i certainly hope this isn't the beginning of that path. there's a lot i've left out because well too much to say so if this is confusing, i tried to make it not so. only thing i have to concentrate on right now is classes. i've been sick and that's brought me down but if i can finish this term with a place to live and get decent grades, then in november i can work on moving my shit. but as you know, things don't always go as planned.

i made this blog for my own benefit. this is MY journal. i used to write, but when i first moved, i saw all my old journals and i wrote alot, but all those journals are depressing. so i rate my mood by those. i still get down but not so much like that time i wrote, because i wrote a lot, i was depressed a lot, even suicidal. i may get down now and then but not ever like that. i find it easier to write here than in a book anymore. so if i have viewers, i guess yay. it makes me feel i'm not alone. weird i know lol.

depending on circumstances, i may or may not continue writing.

happy birthday to me.....