What the hell am I doing?

I have been just so unmotivated for just about anything but the idiot box. And I'm not sure what my damn problem is. Well one thing it's scorchingly hot out and granted that isn't an excuse since I do get up early and have enough time to get out there bfore it becomes dreadful to do my cardio work. But I just don't.

And it will be coming up on a year here in a few months and then I gotta contemplate all that shit. And then I've been thinking about my future and how this degree will help me (IF at all) and when and if I will be working making more or less than I had been making.

I'm not an aggressive person, nor am I extremely assertive, at least in matters of money. I don't want to be wealthy, I just want to live somewhat comfortably. And by that I mean not having to count and roll change, pay my bills, and have some left over for something I may want or to use for somewhere to go. But I worry about not getting that. And maybe that's what's been in the back of my mind lately, because I will only have one, maybe one and a half more years of education.

And right now it's a struggle. Sure I am working but I wouldn't be able to live anywhere (ok maybe the projects) on this part time income. I am using that to pay credit card bill (yes I got myself into a hole, but it's actually not overwhelming me which is good, I just know it's there, it will go down when it goes down, and if it takes years well whatever, I don't use it anymore). But the other issue is medical expenses.

I wouldn't need to go to a doctor if I didn't have to take medication. Now the medication isn't that expensive, but for someone who literally has every dollar accounted for, it kind of hurts in the wallet. So I got these forms from makers of my medication and gave them to the clinic to have them fill out doctor parts after my parts were filled in and to send along to the company. They will determine whether I'm eligible for free medication and they send it to the clinic and I pick it up there. Well 30 days ago I gave it to the office. I call the company and they have no record. Now I'm pissed. I mean, was it too much to ask for them to just fill out the top part and drop it in an envelope??? So I left a nasty message on the voice mail, because basically I can't pay for this medication. I've been without it for a year and that wasn't the greatest thing to to do (slaps hand "bad patient). But what am I to do? I am not even sure I would qualify for government assistance (I hate to say this but one I'm not the right color and don't have any children). What kills me is, if there's all this help out there, why can I not get any? I don't want to LIVE off the aid forever. TRUST ME, I would rather be independent and do it myself. I can't stand the idea of scrounging off the government. I believe it should only be a step in getting on to better things. But they make it so hard to get the help. Well at least that is how I'm encountering it. I don't have those damn gel acrylic nails, I don't get my hair weaved, I don't walk around in fancy clothes or drive a fancy car (all things I've seen people with that seem to get government checks). I don't do drugs or sell my body. But you know, I can understand the desire to do such things.......

Now I have to call the clinic again, see if they even have my paperwork and do it myself. I'm just pissed. I guess pitching a fit won't help either. THen I will look like a maniac haha, which I don't really care but those places call the cops faster than you can spit and I really don't want to be hauled off to the hospital haha. I was so sickeningly sweet about it last time, but look where that got me? THey probably just shoved the shit into my file. Damn, I know it's a free clinic but do you think that people would actuallly like helping others out, instead of just sitting there bitching and not doing any work??

Man I got dishes to do and a paper to write. Then I'm off to battle the office demons. Shit what is happening to this world.....