Perfection

I know it is unattainable. Yet I still stress about it. That's why I don't finish a lot of things I believe. I had a revelation last night. Because I was looking at my place and realized that all I do is move shit around, put it in piles "to do". Then they never get done. They just move around to different places.

But I actually had a small breakthrough. I did clean off the entire kitchen counter. Now I have room to fill it back up again. HAha. But no, I hope I don't do that. I am actually trying to work on things in tiny increments. Because that's all my Perfectionist self can handle. I have had shit for several years that I haven't done anything with. Now it's time to let it go or figure out what I need to do with it. It is various things, from books (although I pretty much put all those up on half.com for sale), or clothes that' I have had that I don't fit into or just don't wear, yet can't seem to part with (probably because I can't afford to get new clothes now). I also have things that just have been sitting in boxes. From kitchen items to just "stuff". So little by little I am going to work on it. I have resolved to do this. I have to. I am almost finished school and will have to pack and move this shit again. And I don't want to take it all with me.

Speaking of school, I have decided to pay for the Australia course (as noted in previous post). Sure I will have to pay G-man back but it will be better than adding more to my government loan. At least in my eyes. No interest hehe.

I'm getting stressed out again about money. For one, I feel like a loser. I recenlty got my Social Security thing telling me how much I've made since I have been working and it's pathetic. So I have been thinking or maybe overthinking about things. I know what kind of person I am, and it's not the go-getter type. At least not in regards to being very assertive in life. Granted I dont' 'wait' for things to happen, but I don't have a huge drive factor where I want to be like president of some company or want to make millions of dollars. Anyway, I'm just more concerned with how I am going to pay all this money back. I probably shouldn't worry about it now. Hell or at all. I seem to see lots of people who buy spend and get and don't even care about paying anything back. Must be nice to live that way.......

I have decided to stay maybe a week more in Australia. I have to find a hostel to stay at and someone to cover my days at work.

I have been thinking of leaving this job (I photograph newborns at the hospital). I am not a salesperson, and basically we get paid on commission. Needless to say I don't get paid much. So I may just look for another part time job. Maybe at the bookstore. But there again I have to deal with my age and the stress of finding a new job.