What does it matter?

Does anything? I mean, no matter how slow that driver goes in front of me, I will still reach my destination. No matter what I do today, tomorrow is a different day. I don't have very many friends. I don't talk to my family often. What does all that matter? Will it matter if I live simply? Will it matter if I live on the edge? Will it matter if I started telling it like it is? Sure. In the short term. If I live simply I may not enjoy all the expensive things that people seem to have to have to make them happy. If I live on the edge I may have a shitload of fun, get into trouble, feel the adrenaline, maybe end up in the hospital or dead. If I told people today what I really wanted to tell them instead of sugar coating it or telling a white lie, they might not like what I have to say, I may lose a friend, I may have family members stop talking to me, they may not want to be my friend. WOuld all that matter? In the long run>?? Not really.

I get up (a lot of days reluctantly). I expel things from my body that I ingest on a daily basis. I inhale (probably not the greatest air) and exhale every few seconds. I drive to school and work every day only to wonder what will happen when I won't need to when I finish school. I drive back home only to stare at the idiot box to lose myself in another world. Then I find my way to bed, only to hope that I wake up to do it all again another day.

What is the point of all that? I don't have children. I don't have a spouse. Well ok I have a significant other, but some days I wonder how secure that is. THen I wonder how long he will want to stay with me. Will he eventually get tired of me again and toss me out? WIll I find a job significant enough for me to make more money than I've made before AND something that I enjoy>? What if I don't? What will it matter?

Yea a lot of what if's. I wonder.....what difference am I making? IN my life? In someone else's life? In the world? I'm just a drop in the bucket. There are a million women out there. THere are a million photographers out there.

All I wanted was my best friend to listen to my school money woes. She was busy talking with her latest stray cat. Then proceeded to tell me how she wants to save that one too (which she's told me the story a few times already, and she's too busy saving everyone else's animals and kids instead of worrying about her own and her own house). Maybe I don't listen well, and it's coming back to me. No one can do anything but me, but all I wanted was for her to listen.