Competition

The other day I was bitching about some stuff going on at work.

Well, I realize that I am trying to compete.



Competing for either attention, recognition, whatever. I'm not really jealous of my coworker. Not in what she does anyway. But maybe because she's getting the attention and responsibilities that I thought I deserved.

So I've been bitchy toward her, and bitching at her.

And today I realized that I don't need to compete with her, or anyone. So why am I? Actually I came to the realization yesterday, but then confirmed it today.

I don't want to be the "go to girl". Which is what I call her because of this. Ok, here's the 411 as briefly as I can make it:

I work with four other photographers, two of which work at my hospital with me on specific days, two of whom work at the other hospital. I am senior at my hospital and there is an older lady who has been at the other hospital forever (who in turn is senior over us all).

My previous district manager would contact me for important things like tech issues, sales promotions, among other things hospital and camera and photography related. I was the one they shipped parts to (although I really didn't want them to because UPS sometimes doesn't deliver or delivers them elsewhere and I may not get them, they aren't cheap parts either). My DM would also consult me on when she was coming down, suggestions on where to go eat, new things coming about and I would relay to everyone at my hospital. I would be responsible for the "fixing" things. I apparently was the 'go to girl' when the camera or printers or faxes go down, I would consult with tech on repairing it (I suppose because I am not a complete idiot, that I troubleshoot before I even bother calling tech, and if I still can't get it, then they know I've done everything I could and it was a major problem).

I felt important I suppose.

But now we have a new District Manager. And he apparently decided that the other woman was the one he was going to for all things TMB related (our company initials). And that began to bother me. I began wondering why her?

I always felt that she liked to get the attention.

She does have a tendency to feel she knows more, and then when she is corrected or doesn't really know, gets all nasty.

She talks a LOT. At the meeting when we met the new DM she was a total conversation hog. She of course was there first. I got the feeling she had her head halfway up his ass before he made it through the door.

But of course those are only MY opinions and observations.

ANYway, so the boss man calls her about everything. When he's coming down, what the new procedures are (he tells her to tell everyone, says he is going to email us anyway then never does. I know he's different from the other DM, but she would email us all with the information, not just tell one of us to tell everyone.).

What bothered me this past week was that I had called tech support twice about the camera problems, and she told me she called too, but tech support only had my calls on record. Now you cannot tell me that the camera works every other day, and it so happens doesn't on my days. Um no. So that fired me up because if there is a problem it needs to be fixed right away or as soon as possible because then we cannot take photos and we lose sales and we don't get money. Hello. So I called tech again Friday. They told me if it acted up again (which I knew it would) to call WHILE it was acting up. Ok fine.

Then, I decide to let the other photographer know. I guess she didnt' call it in because she wasn't working the weekend and wouldn't have to deal. Well I would let it slide if it wasn't a huge problem. After getting snippy with her about it, she tells me they are mailing her a camera.

Um.

Excuse me??

Who the hell called you? I am the one fucking working this weekend and I am the one calling on it and I am the one having to deal with it.

Well turns out DM calls her. Tells her he is sending her the camera.

Ooooooooooh. Ok.

She tells me she'll bring it up so I can install it.

HOLD up!

EEEEEEEEERRRRRR. No

I told her as much.

I have gotten items on my days off and had to trek out to the hospital to deal with it.

IF she wants to be the go-to girl, then she can handle the situation. She is getting the camera = she can come on up and install it.

She didn't know how.

Well, I said it was time to learn.

Oh she was not happy with that answer.

I wasn't going to install it.

I would have left it for Tuesday and dealt with the misfirings all damn weekend just so she can install it. Yea what a bitch hehe.

But turns out she was there nice and early this morning with her husband. Apparently she wouldnt' have been able to figure it out (it really isn't that hard, and tech support would have walked her through it whom she was SUPPOSED to have called when she got there to put it in). I told her as much and she was all huffy. I don't remember how to install the camera for one thing. Which I told her. And tech support needed to make sure the cables and shit were in the right spot and the camera at the right angle. Well she didn't call tech, had her hubby figure the shit out. So when it came time to make sure the camera was at the right spot, I finally said, "you HAVE to call tech support." So I promptly called them for her because she would have been there all day trying to get the fucking camera lined up correctly. I still wasn't sure about the focus but I'll deal with that later. She tried not to take the phone but she was the one pushing the buttons so I passed it off.

WHen they finally got it done they weren't there when I got back to the office (I went to deliver my books).

Turns out it wasn't a camera problem!

We need a new computer.

But it really irritated me that I was bothered by the new boss going to her for everything.

Honestly, I don't get paid more to do that shit. I don't get paid executive assistant pay. Or tech support pay.

When she said she would tell the DM that I wanted to be the go-to girl, I realized I sounded like I was jealous. And I don't think I am.

So, after venting to a nurse, I realized that I really don't want to be the responsible one, yet I did like being the responsible one. I felt important. And because DM is going to her now, I don't feel as important.

I am not a religious person by any means.

I was raised Catholic but I have since experienced new religions and churches. I believe there is a Higher Power of some sort. I don't believe that we as people can do whatever the fuck we want to on this earth and some god will forgive us anyway. But I believe in SOMEthing.

Occasionally I will see Joel Osteen on the idiot box. Now, I in no way am a follower of any evangelist. They are all crooks if you ask me (aw speaking of which Tammy Faye (Baker) Messner died if ya already didn't know). I don't watch Joel at all. I only find him when I'm channel surfing.

But the thing is, I always seem to find him when I need to hear something.

I kid you not. I know it sounds kooky but it's not.

Today I found him and he was talking about competition.

That we should not compete with others, whether it be coworkers, family or friends, because we will never win. And some other stuff about the man upstairs doesn't want you to compete.

Anyway, he was right.

I was competing with my coworker. And that's not what I want to do.

So today, I feel 100% better. I let all that shit go.

Now, if she decided to bring it up at the meeting next week, she's going to be in for a shocking response. I forgot what I was prepared to say but I'm sure I'll remember. Probably something about not getting paid to do all that, so what was I thinking.

I've also been meditating again.

Why I stop is beyond me, because even 5 minutes helps calm me. I am looking into getting back into a taiji program but not sure if I want to with the same instructor when I get home (more on that later). But he is the only one in the area who teaches the style I want to learn without being expensive. I've had two years away so that should mean I'm over the shit now. I am, but I haven't seen him so I won't really know if I'm over shit.

I've also been browsing my Buddhism literature again. More on this later but just a little note about it: I am so not on the right path. And I need to turn around.

Going to photograph some bridges tomorrow. With my new SparkPeople photo group and weekly assignments, I've become a little more motivated to shoot. And hopefully that will get me moving and off the couch and not being depressed. Hate using the gas (the state park I am going to is about an hour and a half away) but I have to do it.

That was a bunch of different stuff I know.