WHAT!!!!

OMG i can't believe the president is pre-empting Survivor (I know sad, so very sad). actually i'm mad. ya know, i work all day. i go to school most nights. i don't have a life, much of one rather. i work out (although i've been seriously slacking and it has been showing on the scale and in my pants), and i try to take the dog for his long ass play time, my hikes, my photographs. i have no other social life. i have no significant other. i have friends in strange places. AND I JUST WANT TO WATCH THE TELEVISION FOR ONE STINKIN HOUR! on a regular basis. ok well 3 hours tonite. but usually i can tape the shows. WTF is so important about thursday. WTF is so important about 8pm. it was supposed to be 8:30! WTF!!!!!!

i'm in a pissy mood.

i cannot stand the assholes in the world. apparently this seems to be "PULL OUT IN FRONT OF ME" day this week. every last asshole in their godforsaken shithole SUV decides to cut in front of me, while i'm driving, at a nice speed mind you. thinking my POS truck, will stop. well it DOESN"T!!! NOT ON A DIME, NOT ON A QUARTER, NOT ON ANYTHING! If it wasn't so damn inconvenient, i'd hit them. actually i just might next time. i can't keep slamming on the brakes cause some asshole just HAS to be in front of me. my truck doesn't look like a redneck truck, but it's not all glam and pretty and fancy. i don't have collision insurance. but of course, knowing my luck and probably karma, it would be MY fault some ASShole pulled out in FRONT of ME. i should drop the insurance, get hit, and feign injury. There again though, i must be some kind of good person in here somewhere, because that plan would just back fire. Like i'd probably really get injured. or i'd get sued. ya know, i don't like being inbetween. i wish i was a bad ass. i wish i had no conscious. hell i wish i could spell that word right but i don't feel like lookin it up. i'm in a pissy mood.

i just want to be able to go to school without owing my first 6 kids to banks. yet jailbirds get 3 squares, a free education, can even sue inside the prison. the foreigners get money handed to them to live here. and don't have to pay it back, or maybe they do i don't know. i don't care if i'm wrong, it SEEMS like they don't have to pay it back. minorities get shit handed to them on a silver platter and still bitch. yet i have to suffer because i make more than $9 so i can't get a grant, yet these others are riding around in some pimped out vehicle and have the education handed to them on a platter and they fuck it up. WTF is wrong with this picture. i make too much money to get money. yet for some reason i can barely make it on my salary. then again i was laid off and am living with the folks again.

*tv check*

*fuming----he's still on*

i'm tired of being treated like shit. i wish i could use the excuse *well i'm a dumb blonde* (my ex uses the "i'm a dumbass excuse" yet he could be a rocket scientist). why does my brain work too much? why are the good men screwed over so that by the time i get them they decide that i'm the one they are going to fuck with? why do they tear down whole forests just to plant other trees around houses, and mind you they are stupid trees (bradford pears are ugly).

i guess the mood i'm in is one where i want to be alone, but know my friend is within calling range. or, to be with my best friend and just sit. not talk. not laugh. not cry, not do anything. just "be". we can do that and not be uncomfortable. it's much better of course at the beach or something, but hell it can be in her messy house. or on the porch. i like being alone. i just hate being lonely. and for some stupid reason i'm feelin that today. no matter how many people are around. we did have some excellent laughs at work. but i just don't feel like i belong there. i know, i'm still too new.

i was reminded how my life just kind of is in a rut right now. someone wrote they didn't want to be in a relationship. well i do. and don't. i'm not. but i do. some days. today's one. i miss having someone to touch. i miss having someone to talk to about anything. i miss having someone warm to sleep next to. i could go over the ex's. but not the same anymore. its temporary. and it's just not a good thing to do. never will be the same. EVER.

*tv check*

WTF does he have to talk about for 25 minutes?????

i hate when people call me and do not leave a message. WHY!?????????? my cell phone is NOT glued to my ASS!!!! i hate people who use them in restaurants. i will stare. i will talk to you while you are on the phone, cause if you are loud enough for me to hear, i'm assuming you are talking to me or including me in the conversation. WTF did you people do when you didn't have a cell phone? i'm sorry, no one's life is that important. when i go out to eat lunch or dinner, i don't want to hear someone's conversation over the phone. notice how people talk much louder than normal restaurant chatter on the cell phone? or they go into a library with their phone. i don't want to be disturbed when i'm eating. of course no one calls me hahahahahahhahahahahah.

i have several requests for self-photos. mostly non-clothed. ok all non-clothed. a select few actually have some. sheesh give them a little they want more. i don't like myself on camera. i guess i should get over it. i'm trying to take some *decent* shots. i just don't have a place to take them. or a place i can trust to take them. i wanted to do a calendar, but then i'd have to trust someone else to help. i just don't trust anyone. not with the seeing me part, cause it was going to be my ex. but just with the other stuff. i'm too picky a photographer. trust me i have to set everything up just so and it will take me forever to shoot one roll.

i want my niece to grow up and be happy. she won't have to deal with some of the crap i did. she's a beautiful girl. she'll have it easy.

she's getting a hamster. o boy have we had fun thinking up names for this thing. i threatened to take him and feed him to my snakes if she misbehaves after she gets it. of course she's been SO SWEET so she can get one. she doesn't think i will take her and feed it to my snakes. she doesn't know me well. see, her mother threatens things all the time but doesn't do them. i do. i won't take any crap from any kid. that's why i won't have any. i will be a horrible mommy. ok maybe not horrible. but i don't believe in pussyfooting around with a kid. i got the fear of God in me by my parents, i got spanked, well more than that but i wouldn't do that. i got disciplined. and i learned. fast. how to weave and bob in a backseat of a car so the hand doesn't make contact with your face/head while your father is driving. i learned to find a new hiding spot for my porn, cigarettes and alcohol. i learned how to sneak out of the house, or sneak people in. but most importantly, i learned to respect my elders and just talk about them to my friends way out of earshot. i learned that there are rules for a reason, i learned to break some, i got caught, and i paid for it. but rules are there for a reason. but i do think a good spanking is necessary. not all the time mind you. and only up to a certain age. at 16 my father laid a hand on me. i think i turned into the devil incarnate because my voice changed drastically and i was shaking like all get out when i told him that was the LAST time he'd lay a hand on me. it was. i don't believe in time outs. well on occasion. i don't believe in going to your room to think about it. i don't believe in letting a kid walk all over you to get their way in public or at home. shit. i'll yank your ass up and go home. spanking is not the same as abusing. and no one is going to tell me i can't spank my kid. the tattoo on my stomach also kind of prevents me from wanting one, cause i don't want it to get all stre-e-e-e-tchy LOL. i can't get fat either. helps me there too. although this pooch isn't flat like i want. wtf happens when you turn 30? it just sucks some days.

oh well i'm rambling, and for some reason i write a book. i just can't make these things short. maybe writing often? i dunno. i don't give a rat's ass