Movin on

to a point. i think i've made progress in the forgiveness departments. although i still wish he'd just fucking admit some things. i'm sorry i don't have time to explain. just that i finally feel i dont' NEED to hear him say certain things (o btw it's not about the ex), but he just has lost mucho respect from me. i still learn from him, because there is no one else here to learn from. and even tho he is deceitful, i am a better woman. i won't fuck and run because of any uncomfortableness. i got over that long time ago. it's just the stuff i wanted to hear him say (not the nice stuff, the truth, that way maybe it would have continued, well no it wouldn't have because he got married).

tell me, what do you regret? do you regret things you had done? or regret things you never got to do but had the opportunity? i used to think i regretted some things i had done, but as i get older and wiser haha, i actually realize i don't regret some of the things i thought i regretted, i just hated the outcome. i do regret things i have not done but was too ball-less to do it (well ok i AM ball-less but only physically speaking). gutless, a pussy, whatever you wanna call it. i've been going through my things, the past, and it's fun, yet makes me relive, and think, and reflect. i'm a big reflecter LOL. not reflectOR, wait is there a difference? i'll check on that LOL. o i don't live in the past mind you, but i guess i'm a romantic, someone who believes that there still is some type of hope with people, even though they get on my last fucking nerve or fuck me over more times than i can think possible, or that there is that special someone for everyone, and that fathers will treat their children right etc etc i could go on but i won't. i need some fucking sleep. couldn't sleep last night, even after a visit with bob. f-u-u-u--uck. i'm feelin froggy. i think about kojak, not because i miss him, but i miss his body. it's like that dumb saying, well i don't know if dumb's the right word but anyway, that *once you go black you never go back*. not that i've *gone black* i haven't, opportunities abounded but i didn't take them, but anyway. it's those stupid societal images of what women/men should look like, yet REAL people don't look like that. i truly don't look for that in any person, because i've found the looks usually don't match the person underneath. and not all but some of the glamourous people i've come across are several bricks short of a load, or simply have horrible personalities, and looks will only take them so far. but when you happen across an almost perfectly sculpted person, it's truly hard to go back to something less than that.

and i shouldn't be that way.

because goddess knows,

that i am not beautiful.....

and i wonder

why i had the opportunity to meet those men

seeing as i'm only in the minor league

and i believe

i'm being punished.......