I meditate. I burn candles. I drink green tea...............and still I want to smack someone.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Destination unknown

ok not really but sounds good in my head! i've got\ten my new high dollar laptop so don't get all bent out of shape with my numerous typos. not used to typing on this type of keyboard yet.

i have had a bunch of stuff on my mind so i'll try not to include it all in one post for those with an extremely limited attention span.

Have you ever gotten what you wanted, or been where you wanted to go, or done something or been with someone you wanted to meet/hook up with/go out or whatnot for a while, only to realize the reality isn’t as, I don’t want to say good because that isn’t the right word, but I guess the novelty of the anticipation or excitement wears off, quite fast? That’s been the case with me for a while now, and I don’t know if it’s age or if something just isn’t being met or what. Or it’s like you are having a decent time of it but then it’s like, ok been there done that time to move on. It’s not that I don’t have a good time where I am, or with whom or what I’m doing, it doesn’t really take much to please me, it’s just maintaining the pleasure is something that is not happening and hasn't been for some time. must have been when i hit 32 or 33 or somethin.

I guess it’s like the chasing thing, whether it’s the man or woman doing the chasing, once the chasee gets caught the fun’s over, or so it seems when I’ve been the chasee. In some cases, not all. So, now that I’ve visited a place I wanted to visit, I really want to just go back home. Not because I don’t like it, but it’s just that well I feel I’ve done what I wanted to do, and I’m done. Ready to go. I’ve experienced this feeling more and more. So I’m not sure what’s goin on. It’s me I know. O I’m sure the people i've felt this way about felt similar, or even the ones i didn't feel like this has felt something similar towards me. i know everyone doesn't like me or think i'm interesting or whatnot. You can just tell though by their actions. Or well I can. Sometimes I’m wrong, but I can usually pick up on the actions and behaviour of people. The mannerisms and behavior tell you what they won’t. It’s like when I’m out shopping or at a party and I just don’t want to be there anymore, I’ve had my fun and I’m done. I just want to get back home AT THAT INSTANT. the vibe I give off is pretty apparent to. my sister can tell and i used to feel bad about it, occasionally i still do, because my feelings get stung when someone feels that way about me, not for long, but it still stings when the table is turned.

I think a lot. Sometimes on things that don’t matter, sometimes on things that no one else really gives a shit about, sometimes on really deep things that scares people off. I used to be uncomfortable when the silences with others grew thick. For instance in some cases this weekend there were some times when I was with someone and just not much to say. I would have been uncomfortable and tried to fill the silence but nowadays I’m like WTFever. Only I can make myself feel uncomfortable right? Well usually yea. but sometimes i just don't have any thing to say. so i've been thinking a lot. of course i should be DOING more than THINKING but it takes me a while to get up to that point lol.

i like when you are hanging out with someone and they have a hard time hiding their true feelings. o sure they don't say a word but it's all over their face or they do something not realising that they are making some sort of expression thinking you don't see it. maybe they don't realize, it's a habit, but they should at least wait until you cant see them. Word to the wise, if you are going to give looks or talk about someone behind their back, make sure it’s not while with that person. O I’m not offended, rather I think it’s somewhat childish. I of course have the habit of feeling bad at first if i don't like someojne or have the same feelings as them. Well my feelings aren’t bad, just that the desire is no longer there. this used to be the opposite where i always wanted people to desire me, but now if i don't desire someone i just want to leave. some have trouble with that, when you tell them the truth. i'm all for communication but a lot of men aren't. or they can't hear what you say even if you hit them with a brick. some people are evasive, non-committal. ya know, that shit just bugs me. just fucking say it. at least be nice if you can. i don't like to be mean but some people just don't get the hint. i don't usualy want the brutal truth, because as much as i'd like to think i'm a hard ass, i am sensitive. i don't think i'm a bad person. i might not be interesting to most, or exciting, but i have good qualities. i try to make the most of my encounters with people and give someone the benefit, yet i don't try to do anything that will give the the impression i want something more. i try to distance myself yet some idiots i swear just don't get it. some do, yet even though i say it's not necessary to lie about something or someone, just be up front, they still need to lie or be evasive. i don't get it. i'm not one of those women that will go all psycho. it just feels like a catch 22 with me. i hate being hurt, yet i hate being the one doing the hurting. yet i know if i had a choice i'd rather be on the giving hurt end LOL. i am not a very sexual person. i need to be comfortable with someone to get all crazy like a lot of you men want LOL. I'm not aggressive in that department either. o i don't have to be in a relationship to get it, but it takes me a little bit of time to get comfortable. i guess it stems from a lot of the rejection in my life. granted i know men get rejected all the time but there are lots of other areas i've been rejected in besides the sexual arena. i know, seems like a lot of people just want sex 24/7 *cough LL cough* but to me there's more to enjoying life than getting off. but that's me. i had a chance to visit a few places that i won't go see again any time soon and i had an enjoyable time. so much more to see too. hope i can have someone with me to see them with too. always better with good company.

i said i wasn't gonna write a book and looks like i did. happy reading! it's my bath time woohoo

No comments: