Leaving is the hardest thing to do

Even when it’s planned and wanted.

I hate crying. Or rather, I hate crying in front of others. I have this fixation with controlling my emotions. I guess that’s why I’m not married. Some think I don’t want a commitment rather it’s that I don’t want to give up control. Anyhow I digress.

Do I just sever ties and leave? I hate goodbyes. Things never are the same once you have left somewhere, someone. O sure the standard “I’ll keep in touch, we’ll still be friends” crap gets said, but does it really happen? And if it does, does it last? I usually can keep a promise like that but things change. It’s different when you are 4 hours away rather than 45 minutes.

The first to go was the ex. He showed me how to do various things on my truck. The sexual innuendos were there but because aunt flo is visiting I ignored them. Although I wanted to jump in bed with him. But I refrained. Do I see him one last time? I leave in two weeks. Do I get one good lay that might be my last in 2 1/2 years? Do we stay in touch?

He said: whoever goes out with me, will have a treasure of a woman.

I almost cried there. He is a good man, but not good enough for me. No I didn’t say that. He did. He told me I can do better. And I’ve learned if someone says that to you, it is most likely the truth. There are reasons we are not together. And I am not going to lay them out here since it’ll be a damn book. But we know the situation. One major one though, he drinks too much. An alcoholic I’d call him. And he knows it. And he won’t stop it. That’s how he deals with the loss of his brother. Well my mother is a drunk. Therefore I have issues.

The second is tai chi class. I have mixed feelings on this because in the past I had slept with my instructor (after my ex and I broke up). I knew it would change my outlook on things and he said it wouldn’t. it did. I lost a lot of respect for him because my eyes were opened to his true self. I am the only one of his students he slept with (and I’m sure there were many) that had returned to class. I want to continue studying, but he has lost my respect in a few ways. He talks about others, has a negative approach to others and their lives outside of class, tells different versions of the same story to different classes (I used to attend all the classes during the week and he would relate one story differently to each class, for what reason I do not know). I am not sure what he tries to do, but it gets frustrating. There are no other instructors who teach the same line of tai chi in Savannah. Getting a new instructor is out of the question. I hope to be more disciplined there and to continue what I’ve learned but having a visual would help and I’ve asked several times for a DVD of the forms yet I see none. So I may not always keep my word but neither does he. But I will miss the class and the weekly contact with the people. I’m not a big fan of attention or crowds, and it takes me a while to get to know people, but when I do feel comfortable, I feel like family. And we are a tai chi family……

I don't know when I will get to blog next. Those that have contact with me, can reach me through other means. Those that want contact or stay in contact, drop me a line. I am cleaning up my messenger lists and email addresses. I will have a new phone number and email address. This time I am seriously simplifying my life. I am holding on to too many things that must be let go. I have dillydallied long enough. Attachment leads to suffering. I am realizing that there are things I really can do without. Much as I'd love to keep them, if some kind of disaster came through here and I were to lose everything, I would survive. Granted I'm not getting rid of everything, my gosh a girl's gotta have a few things! But there's too much crap in my life and not enough room to keep it, in or outside my head. Therefore, until I type again. This may not be the last post, like I said I have a couple more weeks, but I'm preparing you for my temporary departure. If anyone cares......