From Madness to Insanity

or that's my interpretation of it. i am so not ready and have the trailer reserved for thursday. i am informed that i am moving in with someone i do not know yet i do not know the details. what makes me anxious is the fact that i have to rely on others. i do not have enough money to pay anyone rent, hence it was ideal to living with my sister. yet now i'm moving in with her boyfriend? granted it's nice they thought about me but not enough to tell me like ahead of time? so i feel like i'm driving down there with no place to put my things. so i've called on the ex's offer to store some things there if i need to. *sigh* i just hate relying on others, because i feel i'm a burden. yea i'm quickly getting over this idea though as i don't have time to fuck around. i need a place to sleep and put my things with minimal cost to me. i did not request an exhorbitant amount of money from the loan so i'm skatin on thin ice until i come up with a job etc. i know i'm bitchy but i'm more bitchy when i'm not given information. i could have planned more or have a better mind set. now i'm just frustrated and ticked. i guess i shouldn't be but that's how my mind works. she figures if she doens't tell me til the last possible moment i can't bitch. o i can. and it causes tension. i'm not perfect, and i have issues. and i refuse to apoligize for any of it. but seeing the natural destruction that's recently occurred, it's really put me in a state of simplification. so the things i still think i need, i'm getting rid of. i've been thinking *what if something like that came this way? (it very well could) i would have nothing. nothing that i have now. so do i really need this shit? no.* i'd rather get rid of it myself than have mother nature do it. i won't have much, but some have none. i just am really nervous. uprooting. starting over. but it is much better that i do it than have it forced upon me. so off i am on thursday.....

on a better note, was able to leave work without crying. o i teared up some the other day, but if i don't think about it, i won't get all sappy. i hate showing my emotions around others. i shouldn't give a shit but i do. on a not so good note the damn dental visit has set me back a couple of hundred dollars and now i am working myself up over paying that (along with my large credit card bill behind me). i suppose i will try to get more in next years loan to help me out. but nothing i can do about it now. damn insurance and their deductibles. but i do have work when i go on my school breaks. so that's good. and another plus i hopefully won't be eating so damn much haha!