Dealing with Family

Ya know I really felt that I was ok with my sister. And maybe this isn't the place to put my thoughts, but I have no other avenue to voice my thoughts. O sure my best friend might get a call, but I need to get this out now.

My way of dealing with some of my family is to pull away. I can't change anyone, only myself. And I hate to say that my family frustrates me. I thought my frustration with my sister was gone but it's not. Maybe I should just tell her how I feel. Actually I have done that, yet I still feel the frustration when talking to her.

Now the last conversation, as with many, always ends up with me using a frustrated tone with her. Why? Well because she is frustrating. She for one cannot make a simple decision. Two, she ALWAYS wants to go out to eat, complains about how she has no money and no food at her house, yet ALWAYS ends up with a new item for the house or something. I cannot go out to eat. I don't even have the money for rent this month. Three, she says she is such a positive person, yet the first thing out of her mouth is something negative.

The conversation went like this today:

Me: So do you want to come over and go running? (She called me this morning to say she wanted to go running because she NEEDED to)

Her: Well I need to eat something first.

Me: What are you doing?

Her: Going to the post office. Do you want to go to Island Pizza Co?

Me: Well, I don't have any money.

Her: It's on me, or we can go to Fannie's for my celebration dinner!

Me: Well I have chicken I need to cook, it's defrosted, and I have two pieces.

Her: Ok what do you want me to get from the grocery store?

Me: Well I don't need anything, but if you want something get it and bring it. Oh I can go for those Oreo Ice Cream Sandwiches!

Her: NO I am not getting those I don't need them.

Me: Ok you asked me what I wanted and I told you! Just get whatever. I have stuff here I can make. It's better to run first, so come on over and we'll do that.

Her: I NEED to eat. I only ate a light lunch (which means she probably didn't eat today). I will fall if I run first.

Me: Ok I can make the chicken. THen we can run.

Her: Well I have to go to the post office, I need to go to the grocery store, then go home and get changed. But I don't have time to run, I have to do homework too.

Me: (Getting frustrated) Well why don't you tell me what you want to do.

Her: Why do you always get mad at me? Ok not mad..........(thinking) frustrated I guess. You always get frustrated with me?

Me: Well we've been on the phone for 10 minutes and you have made several different plans (I didn't run through the entire conversation). You can never make a decision!

"Her: Well you can't either!! You said "Do whatever, I don't care, whatever you want to do!!" If you want to run go run but I can't first, I don't want to INTRUDE.

Me: Well, it doesn't matter WHAT we do first. I said it is up to you because you are the one who needs to eat first. If I wanted to run first I would have told you that I want to do that first, but I didn't, I'm ok with eating first or I wouldn't have said it. But then you have to run all over god's green earth first, so when are we eating? I can make it now, then run. But now you say you have homework and have no time to run. (and I'm thinking, and you have time to go OUT and spend money to eat). We can eat first then run. (and yes I have a frustrated tone in my voice now). I have chicken I can make, I have stuff here. I can make it now and we can eat. But I wouldn't mind running after. But you can't make a decision about it!

Her: Well I just said what we can do! So why do you have to have an attitude?

Me: Because you always do this!!!! Do you want to come over and eat?

Her: Maybe we can do this another day (snotty attitude). I have too much to do.


YOu know what, she ALWAYS has too much to do. She complains she can't get time to do it because of work and her kid. Well you know what???? She's been in her new apartment for several months and it still looks like she just moved in. She had no job for a long time, yet could have done a lot of shit. She doesn't have her kid because she is with her dad. THe last three times we went out she paid because she wanted to go eat out. She NEVER has anything in her kitchen. THe first thing out of her mouth when I asked her how her new job was, was negative "OMG let me tell you about the snotty women at work and what they said about me already!"

NOW she has no time for anything because she started online dating. WEll good for her, that's cool, although she gave me and other people SHIT because I was using an online service. Now she says she didn't 'talk bad about me doing it', she just didn't understand it. UM OK. Now she is nervous, which I told her to be a little skeptical especially of people who want to meet right off the bat, but she has been talking to a few people. Cool, really. But don't give me shit about me doing it when you have no idea. See, NOW that's she's decided to try it, it's cool. Although when I was doing it I was weird. OK fine. But YOU work 8 hours a day, and have homework, yet you complain you have NO Money yet come home with new clothes/gadgets/go out to eat (insert whatever here) every week. You complain you are fat, yet you don't eat because you have no food at the apartment (ok so how are you feeding your daughter??). You complain you have homework up the ass yet you are spending time online now chatting with your new cupid.com dudes. YOu call me THIS MORNING saying you want to go run but now you want to go OUT TO EAT, yet you have no money and you are fat?!?!?! I just can't deal. I get frustrated a lot and I know I shouldn't.

She is at the point where she doesn't want to call/talk to me anymore. Well I am at that point too. But I don't want to sever any of my family ties. I just need to step away for a while. Even if it means I am alone, which some days, not many, it gets to me but I am ok. It just would be nice to sit down with my sister, have a decent conversation without having to deal with her bitching about no money/food/being fat/how people aren't nice or positive; would like to ask her something without spending 15 minutes trying to make a decision about it. THEN after a decision is made, RETHINKING other options!!!!!

I know I am not the greatest sister to her lately. I have been frustrated, I take that tone with her almost every time lately when we talk. I do want to know about how she is doing in work, life, with her men, etc. but almost everything is negative or how 'mean' people are, how people at work are talking about her, how every guy she's talking to is "so nice to me" (Uh huh, just how the last asshole and the ones before were so nice at first, but look what happened with the last one, almost getting kicked out of his place etc. etc.).

She doesn't realize how easy she could have it. She is beautiful. Men FALL at her feet. Yet she's looking for some sort of ideal. Ok I guess we all are. But I at least know what I need to take care of first. Granted, maybe I'll be alone forever, but not really. I do know I have four friends who will be there for me. Maybe more but four come to mind. I used to think I never had a lot of friends, and I really don't. But who can say they have FOUR who they can confide it, who love them no matter what (my brutal honesty, my moodiness, my shyness, my quirks and all), who tolerate my moods, who don't judge me for my bad decisions? THey may not be in the same area, which sucks, but one day I will be closer to at least one. But I also wanted my sister to be one of those friends. She is to a point, but I can't tell her certain things. But I get so frustrated with her. I don't help either, by being negative with her in most times. But I think I am reacting to her. I can't find too many positives I can say about her right now.

Well I needed to get that out. Granted, she may come across this. If she does, well, there isn't anything I wouldn't tell her in here. She always threatens to write my parents a letter about my mother's drinking. Actually I think she did recently, just a brief one about not visiting because of my mother. So maybe this is my letter to her. I know it won't do anything, just like her letter to my dad about my mom did absolutely nothing. It may actually have hurt their feelings, being told she wasn't visiting because she didn't want "her daughter to be around mom when she drinks". I can understand to a point, but to deny grandparents to see their daughter? My mother doesn't act out, she doesn't abuse their granddaughter. At most she is obnoxious and loud. At most she is silly. But she loves to see her granddaughter. Granted my niece may be more wise about how my mom behaves, but to deny her visits? Its not like she is letting her stay there for months on end. That I wouldn't do with my kid. But that's me.

Anyhow, we are not running. I will, on my own. I am going to make my dinner as she decided to "do this another time". I may decide not to talk to her for some time...........