Don't you just ever.....

want to scream at the top of your lungs for as long as you can? I do. Well yesterday I did. Today I'm a little better. I have screamed at the top of my lungs before, crying hysterically. Not too often but I have once or twice. That of course when I was feeling extremely depressed (way back WAY back boy those were dark days). Anyhow, I wanted to yesterday because of some frustrations (not THOSE kind TYVM!). Have you ever been extremely frustrated over a situation or a family member or friend that has continued on and on and you've reached your melting point? Well that's how I felt yesterday. You know, I do know that no one can change unless they really want to (I struggle with thismyself). I can only help so much. When does it come to a point where I MUST realize that PEOPLE are going to do WHATEVER they want, no MATTER what, regardless of KNOWING what is right and wrong, and that I CANNOT STOP them from doing otherwise? It is THEIR life not MINE, so why do I feel the need to tell people how I see things, or what I feel is the 'right' way, or even just tell them what they need to do because they have NO CLUE how to go about something? It's hard since I am not giving you an example, but yes it's in relation to a family member. I'm just tired. Maybe I do it to myself. Yes I can by pushy, pushing my own opinions on someone and telling them what they should do. It's not easy stopping that. I have been learning to listen more and keep my mouth shut. But when I do speak, I expect to be listened to. So that later on or the next day, when I remind you of something I said that I don't get a "You never said that" because she is not even listening to what I am saying. Or telling me that I said to do something when I never did (that's because she has to talk to a million people to get everyone's opinion on what to do.) I'm sure this doesn't make sense, but I feel the need to get it out of me. I would rather vomit up words than what's in my stomach.

Anyhow, on another note......mid terms this week. JOY! Not considering I have been procrastinating like you couldnt' believe. I take few notes in class because I have a recorder. I realized that recording the classes is MUCH easier than writing everything down since I can't remember what is being said while I"m writing down what was just said. So I have a half a dozen tapes to wade through. And a million pages in readings to do haha! MEmorization sucks at my age let me tell you. Not that I had it before. Remembering pieces of art, who made them, during what period, and the exact date (ok within THREE years, lordy). It's tough! I just finished one......I think I did pretty decent. I have a habit of marking the questions on the test that I think I may get wrong, that I'm unsure of the answer. Only four out of 16 multiple choice. Three out of eight slide identifications. And the essays.........well I hate essays. I just hope I got the right points in there. A part of me really doesn't give a shit about some of the concepts of art. But being in art school, they really push it. That art isn't just a "pretty picture." Now granted I am learning a lot about some artists who I thought really sucked in my opinion (but of course the Museum of Modern Art has their works so maybe I"m not a good critic!). As in a previous post I am really liking Pollock's work. I will be doing my research paper on him. But just "looking" at a piece of work isn't right. Reading about what the artist is about, what his/her motives are, what the piece means is what art is about. Granted I consider myself conceptually challenged......and I suppose that won't really work in the art world, because a lot of places want CONCEPTS when they pick artists to exhibit. But I'm trying to realize that my concept doesn't have to be so damn complex. Some of these artists literally write statements that thier art "is just something to look at." Um ok. So I think too much........

HNT will have to wait til I get home. I have some ideas but knowing how I feel about myself they will turn out SHITTY.....which leads me to......

I have been feeling really disappointed in myself lately. Especially as I examine the path I'm on, what I have been doing in order to take advantage of living.......and I'm not happy about it. Maybe more to come later........