F-I-N-E fine

according to "Jose" that's how I looked the other day in the gas station. Well that's nice. Considering I looked like hell. But then again he wasn't looking at my face. I didn't know whether to be pissed or be flattered. He wasn't really rude about it. He was more annoying about it. I get uncomfortable when I'm noticed in a sexual manner. Because I don't think I'm sexually attractive. My sister is, not me. So I'm not used to it when a man likes my outside. I get annoyed. But I'm trying not to be a bitch about it. I wasn't all flirty either. I almost felt like a piece of meat, but he wasn't crude about it so that thought went away. He wasn't unattractive. At least he didn't call me "babe" and didn't crowd me, although we seemed to be going for the section of the soft drink aisle. Nice. So I guess he thought that 'we were meant to be' because he decides that we should have a conversation. I was friendly, but aloof. I admit I'm uncomfortable around men who show an interest. I guess I'll never 'outgrow' that.

Just like I won't outgrow the uncomfortableness of photographing strangers. Which, according to my critique, I'm too timid. Well I'm knockin on 40's door and my shyness or timidness has lessened significantly from when I was a teenager but I think I'll be dead before it decides to not be uncomfortable for me. So why am I choosing a photographic path? I don't know, and I'm beginning to wonder which diagnosis from the DSM IV (or is it V now I've been out of the field for too long) I have. I am finding that when I say I am a student, people automatically assume the 18 - 20 year old range. WHich is understandable. But then they appear shocked when they see me. What? Someone at my age can't throw around "student" to get a discount or apply for a job? Now granted I don't want a student's pay haha! I do have much more experience in other areas, just not necessarily in photography. And I'm finding that is going to be a problem. I do not want to run around getting someone's dry cleaning and coffee. I want to learn to be a photographer. But my problem is what kind. FUck. I still have no fucking clue. And I'm almost done. Granted, I think I can still work for the company I"m working for now when I move, but I still won't be making a lot of money. I need a "professional" job. But I don't think I'm qualified.

I don't think I will ever be qualified. Yes, the insecurity trolls are breaking down my fortress and I can't keep them all out. Everyone loves to say "you can do anything you want to." But can we really? I mean aren't we at the whim of others? THEY decide if we have the experience, qualifications, skills, personality. All based off a portfolio, CV/resume, and a short meeting? And then of course there is the age discrimination. Oh sure they SAY it's not becuase of that but how do you prove it? I am not good at the people dialogue. I just know that I enjoy doing what I do. Now how to make a career out of it. How to get people to buy my stuff. How to get people to hire me. How to not fear failure. Or rather am I fearing success? I fear being turned down. Oh I know it will happen a lot. It has happened a lot. But I fear I don't have the foundation to take it anymore. I fear my foundation is weak. I fear I will continue down the path I was on before I went off-road. I am not driven. I am not ambitious. I just want to enjoy my life doing something that I enjoy doing. Being miserable 9-10 hours a day five or six days a week is not what I want to get back into. My friend who was laid off with me a year ago, is still having trouble finding work. She is in her 40s. She doesn't have a degree. But she has more skills. Then again what will a degree in photography get me? I'm not sure. But I am sure that I want it. If it gets me nowhere, I still have it. But it should get me SOMEthing right? I have to get out there more. My friend is better at handling people than me so maybe her and I will work something out together. We always worked so well together and said we could do it. But coming up with money that's a problem.

I would like a mentor. But what in the world do I ask? WHO do I ask? I'm not good at small talk. Although I need to be.

Damn trolls.......