I really do need a good dictionary.

SHould I go for Webster? I want one that isn't so damn complifusing. I remember the one I had when I was a kid, I think my sister has it now for Morgan. It had pretty pictures to look at while I was looking things up.

Anyway.......

grudge [gruhj] noun, adjective, verb
- noun
a feeling of ill will or resentment

anger [ang-ger]
- noun
a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire

forgiveness [fer-giv-nis]
- noun
act of forgiving

forgiving/forgive [fer-giv-ing/fer-giv]
- verb (used with object)
to grant pardon to (a person)
to cease to feel resentment against

When I get angry, I just want to be angry. Don't try to pacify me. Don't try to 'talk me down'. Just don't tell me to get over it. I can be angry if I want. It's healthy. Unless I decide to hold on to that anger. I have learned to let it go. Although sometimes I can hold a grudge. And that of course isn't good. But I'm learning to let those go too. Sometimes it just will have to take time. I won't let a grudge go sometimes for a long time. And I just have to wait. So do they. I'm merely human. So, what people need to realize is that time will have to pass before I will 'just get over it'.

I'm not so angry about the equipment stuff, but I am still thinking of writing to someone 'higher up' in the school food chain. Maybe they already know and don't care. I don't know. I bet if I had tons more money they would listen more and maybe get something on the ball about it, but I don't know, since I don't have money.

I am still kind of holding on to some sort of grudge with my sister. That will just take more time. I know I cannot control her behaviour although I would like to. I don't want to control anyone. But I guess what I want for her is to be more responsible. I know I can't make her that way. It's just that time and time again I have to hear her complaining about not having money, bill collectors calling her, blaming someone else for her problems (she neglects to get the mail for weeks and wonders why the water gets cut off, yet it's not her fault), and then decides she must have a facial and buy their expensive facial cleansing products gets really exasperating. So i've just decided that talking to her on a less frequent basis is better for my state of mind, and for her not having to hear me bitch about why she's spending money she doesn't have. Until I get over my issues with her. And it's going to take time.

Because holding a grudge and being angry for so long only hurts me. And it puts me in a foul mood. She is living her life by her own doing. I am living mine. Maybe mine isn't right, but I'm pretty much ok with how I'm doing and hopefully where I will be going. I chose to stay single. I chose to not have any children. I chose to cash in my [measly] IRA and go to Australia. I chose to not work for two years (full time) so I can finish a degree. Perhaps in something I won't use, but I think I will. I may not make a full career out of it, simply because I don't want the hassle of being self-employed at close to 40. Maybe I will choose to change my mind. I chose not to spend money on new clothes. I chose to live on my own at the beach while in school and therefore I chose to be poor and broke. It's scary. But I chose those things. I'm making it, but barely. But I also don't complain about most of those things and then go out and act irresponsibly.

Anyhow, she called to tell me she wanted to get a facial and buy some cleansing products at the place I have gone to previously. She can get a discount if I refer her. Which is fine, I will. I just don't want to talk with her so frequently again right now. I'm not ready.

*smile*

*deep breath*

letting it gooooooooooooo

On another note, yay I finally have coverage for time off! It's really a bitch asking because one woman doesn't want to work five days, six or seven in a row (she was put in her place though when the newest girl says she works 12 days in a row at two jobs and she is pregnant!) So I have 19 days off (maybe, waiting on confirmation from one other woman on two days). I will visit my grandmother and do some local touring IF gas doesn't keep going up.

Ok. Back to working on my final portfolios.......