Late post

10/1/05

Well, it’s almost here. Why is it I feel like I haven’t accomplished much? I mean I just still see the same faults I had a long long time ago. I have changed a lot yet in some ways I haven’t changed much at all. I look back at everything and think “is this all I’ve done?” granted I’m not going to be someone famous. I’m not sure if I’ll get married. I do not really want to have children so I’m not feeling no “timeclock ticking”. I just feel like I’ve gone in one huge ass circle and the scenery didn’t look familiar because the circle was so winding and so damn long. But now that I am coming around another bend, I see some familiar things. I have a credit debt again, that I was so sure I would not accumulate again. I am not a full time student instead of a full time employee, and that still frightens me to hell. I am suddenly faced with a lot of uncertainties, regarding my future. Of course, that could all be taken care of in an instant if something tragic happens, which I would certainly not want to happen. My life is somewhat still in boxes, awaiting for me to decide what to do with it. Oh sure most things can go in storage, but that essentially means I don’t really *need* these things. I like these things I’ve acquired over the years, especially the ones recently, where I have had more experiences and time to think about what actually makes up who I am. I haven’t really picked up my sword since I’ve been here, and I wonder if that is something I really want to continue to do, or if it was something to fill my time, get me away from the daily doldrums at my folks’ place. When filling out some stupid profile thing, I came across the interests section and I hesitated. I only put in photography where I used to have several things. Now is the time to live if I am going to. Some days I just feel like I’m *existing*. I am not sure what it would take to get me into a different mode of living, but I have to do something and soon. Why? Well because I don’t want to be on some hospital bed or in some situation bleeding to death wondering if I have truly lived. I have for some reason always negatively seen the world, well not totally, but according to my sister I’m “cynical”. Well I suppose I am. I know I should give people the benefit of the doubt but I’ve have very negative experiences most of my life. Yes I had tended to internalize most things that probably weren’t even worth the thought, but that’s how I was when I was younger. I was hurt easily. Now, well I am probably quite cold. I hopefully will get up to head to the beach in the morning. I’m only ten minutes away. I need to breathe……

And if I hear these people call each other and every one under the sun, man, woman, and child “BABE” or “BABY” or “HONEY” one more freakin time, I’m going to vomit the world……