Livin in Funky Town

My damn head's been a mess for a few days now. I dont' want to do any of my photo shoots, and actually it is because I just have no idea what I want to shoot and how. I am actually not liking this shit anymore. A part of me feels that being my own photographer is just not me. I know a lot of it has to do with not having the experience yet. A part is also about HOW to get the experience. The artistic job market is not like the business/admin market, totally different. And I'm not sure I can handle it.

Also, I'm having issues again with this truck that's got me wound up. G-man sort of chewed my ass out because in checking all my fluids (which I normally do on a regular basis because I know I have a much older vehicle but of late I've slacked I admit) there was no fluid on the transmission stick. Well I told him there was never much on it to begin with. So it was filled up and in driving back to Savannah from ATlanta I checked the fluid level again a day later and well there's next to none on the stick again. I guess it's leaking badly, but I'm not seeing it anywhere. So now of course I'm freaking out becuase I just can't afford a new transmission let alone a new vehicle. I guess the damn dummy lights in the vehicle go off when it's about to break down......because nothing is happening. I'm not experiencing any problems. No funky noises, and trust me, my ears are always on the hearout for funky noises in my truck.......that's how I know something is wrong when something sounds out of the norm.

I am getting depressed when I look to the future, and it's not too far off once I finish this degree. Not sure how much it's going to do me now. I've been interviewing photographers and they had suggested while in school to do internships. Well I simply am not able to do that. I can't pay for two places to live, I can't pay for damn near anything anymore. Sure I would have loved to have gone to NY or CA, but that's just not in the cards for me. Never was. Some of these kids have it so damn easy........and they think it's such a tragedy when they can't buy that high dollar golf set or some nice fancy high fashion purse.

I don't want to have oodles of money. I just want to have enough to survive, which really won't be much, but to survive without having to worry if I can pay the rent or for an emergency. I'm not talking hundreds of thousands of dollars. Because I don't want the temptations that come with it. I know and hear from my friends of people who make a lot of money, yet are in debt out the ass ANYWAY and god forbid they lose their jobs because they won't have anything to live on. I don't want that kind of life. Yea sure everyone wants to have "just enough money to survive" but everyone has their own idea of "just enough money". For me, it's not to make it into the highest tax bracket. Hell I don't even need to make 50k. But it's for sure as shit getting more expensive to live nowadays..

I'm rattling on. I'm just down. And I don't want to get anyone else down. Helps me to vent since I don't have anyone here to vent to. Plus I wouldn't want to be complainin to them either if I did have someone who'd listen.

It was looking pretty sunny for a long time and I can feel the clouds coming in.......