It must be me.

I went to visit my folks, G-man, and a friend for the past week. It was good and bad. I am deliberating on writing because, well frankly, I'm feeling like I am a shitty person. But in brief:

My father lost about 30 pounds. I'm glad because he was looking like Santa Claus and not in a good way. I worry about his health since all he did was eat crap (donuts and the like) and not workout one bit, unless you call channel surfing a workout. He had to change his diet (finally!) and actually move around more. This was his second stent in his heart (the first one didn't take) and now he has prostate issues. He looks so much better.

My mother looks like she's 100. HOrrible how drinking and smoking can affect the human body. Honestly, I think the last time she went to a hospital/doctor was when she had my brother. And that was 30 years ago. I can't imagine what her insides look like. She's freaking out now about my father's health. That in turn is making her drink more. Needless to say, I didn't stay more than a few hours instead of the usual day or two. I do not want to handle it anymore.

My brother apparently went from manager to an associate of his own free will. He apparently cannot handle responsibility and work. He doesn't do any around the house at all. Every thing from his laundry to his meals are done for him. He apparently didn't like being a manager. Yet he took a demotion. He will never get out of my parents' house. He hasn't even finished college. I thought for sure he would be the first to do so in my family. He is only a couple of courses shy. Looks like I'll finish first.

My friend seems like she has not changed one bit. Oh sure, she bought a new house, has a dog, but her mindset and not progressed one iota. I have issues. A lot of them. But I believe that I am working on them, and have overcome many. I still have a lot of work. But instead of moving forward, or hell even backward, I think she's running around in circles. I have known her for I think close to 10 years. And every time I see her, she has gotten bigger and bigger. To the point that her health is at risk. She was pre-diabetic the last time she was here (earlier this year). Now she has diabetes. She sweats just getting up out of the chair (I had to have a blanket on the whole time I was at her house). She doesn't like to get out of the car and 'see' things. She just likes to drive around and stop and look. I am worried. She is committing suicide at a snail's pace. And I am not able to help her.

I kind of feel bad because I was really not so pleasant most times. When she talks, she is walking away from me (or people), doesn't look at them or speak directly. SO I have to keep asking her what she said until I finally told her why I ask. She has very low self esteem and doesn't like her appearance and how obese she has gotten. She thinks her therapist is her friend. She has been in therapy ever since I've known her and then some. She hasn't progressed one bit. She doesn't talk about her issues, but she talks about me, or other people or things. I basically told her she isn't getting anywhere with her, just pay me and I'll be honest. Which is the brutal honest truth. Not something people like to hear. She has no social life. She has absolutely no hobbies. She talks about tv shows and movies as if they happened in real life. As if she were talking what her friends had done or said that day. She has no motivation, ambition, desire to make her life better. And I cannot feel sorry for her.

I just feel like nothing has changed with her, and that I have, and that I want a more positive life while she mucks about in her negative wallow. And that she is still stuck on the fact that she is not a victim, that people who cheat on their spouses are horrible people (yet she has a couple of 'friends' at work who do nothing but sleep around with other peoples' husbands and wives), that one-night stands are totally disgusting, that the people at work are dirty old men (yet that's the only social contact she has). Among other things. Too much to discuss.

She also kept hounding me and hounding me about moving up there. I told her previously, in subtle ways, that I was probably not going to move up there, that I was looking at my options in Atlanta, Florida, Baltimore, as well as Tennessee, but i would probably go to a bigger city. She apparently had not gotten the hint because when I got up there, she drove me around saying how much I will like living there. Until finally I snapped and said I wished she would just STOP saying how much I will like it there! I would like it there, but I'm not going to move up there so she can have a friend and roommate. So she wanted to know why I didn't want to talk about it. I told her that moving up there probably was NEVER going to happen! I felt bad for like a minute, but some people just need to be slapped across the face with something in order for them to get it. She stopped. Until before I left when she just said that if I ever wanted to move up there I had a place to stay. I was appreciative of the offer. I am sorry, but I don't think I could live with her, just like I couldn't live with my best friend.

So either I am a bad friend, or I have just changed. I asked my father if something was wrong with me. He knows the situation with this friend and my best friend, both of whom are running around in circles, don't have the desire to make changes, have skewed priorities. He said I need to pick better friends.

I've known these girls for a long time. My best friend almost 20 years. But. I think I have outgrown them. Not that I don't want to be friends with them any more. I just don't want to spend as much time with them. Neither of them have any positive news when we talk. Neither have anything really new to share besides gossip about people they don't like, or bad things that have happened all week.

Maybe our dysfunctional lives brought us together and close. I'm not completely out of the dysfunctional arena, like I said I still have problems (social issues among them) but I am not dwelling on my past. I am trying to learn from it and move on. Make better decisions. Live a better "adult" life. Growing and learning and experiencing positive things. All I remember from my childhood was negative. And I feel those two live with weights and baggage that are drowning them. I feel pulled down into the deep end with them when I am around them. From a distance I am good.

So I don't know. A part of me is feeling guilty about the way I feel. I know I am no piece of cake friend. I have my issues (my sister says I think I know it all, that I don't give anyone a chance to finish talking before spouting off my opinion, that I believe I know what is right for everyone). I know some of those things are true. But I am aware of them. And I am trying to change them. It's not an easy path. As change never is. But I WANT to change some of my bad habits and traits. My friends are stuck, happy in their own misery. I am not happy in my misery.

Anyway, I decided to do the 100 Things About Me post. I will post it in the next few days (I just got back into town) along with my interviews. Maybe I'll do some of these memes I see floating around too.