Life is Biting the Big Banana right about now.....

I feel like I'm in a black hole now. With no chance in HELL to get out.

I am apparently disqualified from the county position due to "inconsistency about my drug usage".

Um I'm pissed. A sheriff deputy friend of my says it is probably due to the fact that I even did drugs (smoked a few dubes as a teen/twentysomething and that's it). My bf seems to think they confused me with someone else. Then I got to thinking that it might be my previous application which was three years ago. I hope to god I didn't put down zero for the number of times, because I did think about that briefly this time (I wouldn't even consider it "usage" I just tried and when I realized it wasn't for me that was it.) So maybe that's where the "inconsistency" lies. So basically I had a mental breakdown. I mean they say I lack integrity. I can't find a job that pays more than freakin $7.00 an hour. I can't pay for the gas it takes me to even get to work (I drive over 25 miles one way, which to some of you I know isn't much). I have thousands of dollars in loans to pay, and to boot I have to pay a "forbearance fee" to even put my large loan in forbearance, which I don't have the money for. I simply don't. I spent like 20 minutes just telling these people I can't pay a dime.

"Well borrow the money."

Um can't do it.

"Well save up the money."

Well lady I don't think you understand, I CAN"T SAVE MONEY I DON"T HAVE.

So I basically asked them how they can get me to pay something when I don't have any money.

"Well they will garnish your wages"

Lady look, I don't make enough in wages, so basically you will be taking my rent money.

"Well they will take your tax refund."

Lady, I don't get any money.

Oh and this is after I spoke with someone previously PROBABLY IN INDIA. I can't stand that. Give me an American please. United States preferably. I don't want to speak with "Tom" because I can barely understand him. I yelled at that guy. After not saying a word for like 3 minutes (I was tempted to hang up but didn't feel like going through the five minute number pushing just to speak with someone new) "Tom" finally connected me to an American. At least a person who spoke English well. She may have been in India I don't know.

So I basically told them unless I get a job, I am not able to pay it.

I want to. I don't want to f*ck up my credit or my life any more than it is.

But

I

Cannot

Seem

To

Get

A

Job

And it's depressing.

I'd say I'd go back to school but I have no money.

I did no internships in school and that doesn't help. I don't have any connections in the art world, and struggle with meeting new people in general, so it's hard to even network. I am going to join a local camera club because I can't afford the gas to Atlanta all the time right now. I have emailed some studios, but basically asking for interviews, as I don't think asking for a job would be right. Although I guess I should just ask. My boyfriend has been telling his friends but nothing is coming about yet.

I'd rather get into the photography field as that's what I finished school for, but I need money, and basically feel I would take any job, but I can't even get to an interview. Or if I do I don't get the job.

I have an email and a call in to the investigators at the county. I need to know what the F is up with my "integrity" shit. If I did put zero to the number of times used, I will kick myself in the ass and put it on YouTube. But I don't believe I did. I don't know the exact amount of times or the exact year, and maybe that's the problem too, I put 2-3 times in the 80's and maybe I put 4 or 5 and the 90's. I don't know. I don't keep track of that shit. It's so insignificant in my life that there's no way I can remember. Now if I was a regular drug user for years, yea I'd probably know.

MY one friend got a job. After five months out of work. I have been looking the same amount of time. It's just hard on the ego and confidence.

I dare not complain too much at this current job for fear of losing it altogether.

I can't even seem to get temporary office work. That's why I felt like going back to school. I can't even get office work which I used to do up until school.

Everyone wants an online resume, or one emailed. No one wants phone calls. But I may start doing that. Just calling companies I'm interested in. I don't know what else to do. O and online these people want social security numbers. I did give it to one health organization, hell you can't finish the hour long application without it. But I hesitate on typing it in there anymore. I mean if they want to hire me, then ask me for it. But before then? No. So I haven't done a lot of applications for that reason.

I'm just at my wit's end.

Hope the rest of the blogosphere is doing better..........