Full Moon Madness

and i mean madness........

i just hope my madness didn't cost me this job. i had a breakdown. granted this job isn't that stressful but when things triple in scope that one has to do (and i mean one as in only one person doing it all and that's me compared to three girls or four out on the west coast) and with everyone wanted everything at the same time, it's got insane. and i broke. maybe in my old age i'm getting weaker. i don't know. but i told them that i was drowning and couldn't do it all. to boot i was making mistakes with our biggest buyer. that's always nice. and i wasn't receiving help. and to boot, the 3 girls sit side by side yet two or three would call me at the SAME time asking about the SAME thing! i found out that none of them talk to each other!! um HELLO??!

until the bigger boss came in. i try not to complain without offering solutions but i didn't have one for this mess other than i needed SOMEone to help me.

now i'm paranoid that my mistakes and breakdown will have cost me this temp-to-perm job.

now when i first interviewed with these guys, they kept saying the guy i was replacing was "just a tool" and "an idiot" as well as similar things about the women in the main office. now i SAY i dont' care what people think of me, but now i wonder if they are saying the same things about me. for one, i'm no idiot. i may do idiotic things but i certainly am not an idiot. i mean they were really harsh about the guy i replaced. i'm telling you the interview was so totally not what i expect out of an interview. the guy interviewing me had been surfing for beach blonde babes, his emails are explicit (it's not that i TRY to look but when i walk in the office and glance at the screen it just happens my brain processes sentences in one shot LOL).

sometimes i use my brain. and maybe that's not want they want here. but i do question things, especially if i think they are wrong or are a waste of time.

i'm a perfectionist and regardless of the fact that some of the mistakes were not even my fault, i feel awful for even having done them. i may be lazy, a procrastinator, among other things, but in my work i am extremely efficient and detail oriented, apparently sometimes to a fault, but i hate things going out of a professional office with any type of error or problem. and that's what had helped fuel the break. i mean it wasn't a screaming banshee type break, but i did manage to cry on the phone and went to the bathroom to compose myself. but you could tell i had been crying. and i hate crying in front of ANYone (yea that's a whole other story, for me it's a sign of weakness and i try to portray strength even though i may not be).

now they do keep referencing my future here, as in "well come December or January you can change this or this will happen and it will change" etc. that SOUNDS good but with my issues the past two weeks i just wonder what WILL happen. i guess i could flat out ask.

i just do not want to have to go back out into that market and look for another job at this time. i do like it here.

i've since composed myself and things are easier, but i felt a tension in the air yesterday and somewhat today. and i don't know if that's just me. or if i should just let it go. you know that was yesterday. day before. etc.

maybe i need some medication.

i just know that a bookkeeper friend of mine is having a hard time getting any one to call her back let alone interviews. this job is 3 miles down the road. the pay isn't the greatest but it's close and it's somewhat of a gravy job. basically at the interview i was told " a monkey could do it". and essentially i guess that COULD be true, but i think they would need more training LOL.

oh well. more later.